I choose happy .

Laying here tonight with my boys l have so much to be happy about . Motherhood gives you a type of unconditional love that cannot be described . 

My middle child is very concerned about me being alone and always wants to know when I'm going to get married ... He brought that up again tonight ... Which got me thinking about what I really want in a future spouse ... Do I even want to get married again ? Will I ever fully be able to give my heart to someone ? As I pondered all these things I realized something . It's not my lack of confidence that I could give my whole self to someone or that I could be someone's wife again , but my doubt lies in the other person ... Will I ever find someone that can commit fully to me ? Just like the quote says , I just want someone who will never stop choosing me. 

Divorce leaves you feeling a lot of things ... And in my case I can't help but have in the back of my head that "he didn't want me enough " .... He found happiness with someone else and in the end , he didn't choose me . 

In reality I know that's not true , but the insecurity mixed with the vulnerability that comes with starting over can sometimes whisper those things in your ear . 

I remember the day when I finally knew my marriage was over . I knew that I had to stop trying ... The limbo of wondering if he would ever want me again was too much . As much as I wanted it to word the reality was that it wouldn't . I don't think it's fair to say that too much has happened to really repair the relationship but in ways it was true . Trust is a hard thing to build , and we had both felt we had lost that in eachother , not for the same reasons but in the end ... there cannot be a marriage without trust . 

I remember feeling at first that a weight has been lifted , a decision had been made ... I was going to move on with my life ... Find someone who loved me and the boys and start over . 

Well here I am almost 2 years later and still wishing the same thing. 

I will admit that this time has given me the opportunity to heal , to reflect and to grow ... I know I'm a stronger , better and more independent version of myself . I am proud of my journey and so blessed to have so many supporters. I am grateful for the pain because of it ,one  thing is for certain ... I will always choose happy:) 

Out of the Blue

And then... Out of the blue ... Pinterest shows you a quote that explains everything you feel & think. 

Dating in this day and age ( yes it's that much different from 10 years ago ) is all about instant gratification ... Judgement , void filling and rejection . I will admit that I have learned so much more about myslef  through "dating" ... I am more aware of my flaws , I am more guarded and selective with who I share things with . Trust has to be earned , not freely given . Not every guy is a "good" one ... People lie about their height ,weight , marital status and employment record ... They will say what you want to hear but not be sincere ... I know I'm not everyone's type and people will tell you that on the spot . They will kiss you and never call again , they will make promises they can't keep , break up over text , and ask for gifts back . 

What dating has done to me is make me skeptical , insecure , and in some ways bitter... It's made me think that I'll be alone forever and that I must be broken in some way ... But that isn't true. 

I didn't let my divorce make me give up on love and happiness  ... So Im not going to let my dating issues do that either .  

I've learned that PATIENCE is the key . Feeling that twitterpated feeling is such a high ... The fun of hearing compliments and getting attention distracts us from the "red flags" waving in front of our faces . We want to badly to be "accepted " and "validated " that we tend to let things that we would normally not like or agree with slide . We think we are being understanding and a good person because we are accepting that person for who they are and in turn they will do the same for us . But then , just like that . They will reject you based on one of your faults , or decide that you're just not a good match .... Leaving you broken hearted and with a complex that something must be wrong with you! Wine in reality .. That person just did you a favor. 

They didn't deserve you're love or what you had to offer ... Your strengths and attributes that make you a catch to one person are not what another person is looking for . It has nothing to do with your worth , only that they didn't see those things as that. 

I still can't understand how people can cheat or some easily give up before getting to really know someone , but what I do know is that that we cannot let these bad apples spoil the whole bunch . You can't be afraid to try and put yourself out there ... The best defense against getting with the "wrong one " is to be totally in tune with yourself . 

You have to know what you like , what you don't . What are your non negotiables. Why did your other relationships fail? What are your strengths , your weaknesses? Thoughts on commitment , issues with jealousy .. Availability to date , free time ... etc 

You cannot meet someone and start a healthy relationship if you cannot answer these questions .

So I may be one for a while as I am learning more about what makes me , me ... And as I learn what I want in a partner ... But that's ok , because when the time is right I'll be able to give my whole self to someone and they will appreciate that I know myslef and what I want . They might not completely LOVE everything about me ,but they love me completely for the person I am . 

My happiness project is all about self realization and working on being a better happier person ... I think it can only help and not hurt my future relationships... So I'll continue to be patient as I remain single ... But know that I am enough , and someday I'll find the man who compliments my life and adds to it in so many ways ..... 

There's too many toys in the tub

Well I guess it's clear to see that someone (Kole) likes baths just as much as his momma .... My "sanctuary" has been completely taken over by him . I think he takes about 3 baths a day and whenever I try to get in somehow he's naked and ready to jump in. 

Having 3 boys I don't have much to complain about ... They are not stealing clothes , playing in my makeup or whining about a bad hair day ... So I guess I'll count my blessings and share my tub. 

For now . 

Direction

 

Sometimes I find myself looking at others in my similar "single " situation and feel like many are getting their "happy" much much faster than I am . I sit and think about what I'm doing wrong not to deserve that ... But then I saw this quote ... As long as I have a goal and an headed in the right direction , the speed doesn't matter as much .. My time will come , and if I'm consistent and sure about my direction I will be less likely to hit a dead end and have to start over . 

Slow and steady wins the race .. So that's what I'm going to do :) 

I also need to say how lucky I am to have such an amazing loving and supportive family . This weekend was hard not having the boys ... They make it much easier to keep a smile on my face and keep me laughing ... I love that I am 100%myslef around them and know that I can count on them always. My mom is the most giving , selfless and loving person ... I am always on defense with her because I hate to disappoint her .. I just want to make her proud and hope I am . I appreciate all she does for me and the boys . We are lucky to have her . 

My dad is my hero , I look up to him and can't imagine life without him in it . He makes me laugh and always has the best advice ... 

My sister is amazing . She is beautiful , smart and makes me laugh harder than anyone else . We can read each other's minds and finish each others sentences . We are so alike but so different ... I feel so blessed to have her. 

My brothers are both loving, caring sweet and funny but don't tell them I said that . They both hate when I am lovey towards them .. But deep down I know they love me and are always there to help . 

All in all I have what most people would die to have ... A loving ,caring , supportive ,funny family . We truly love each other and hope it always stays that way . 

My kids are my life .. My world ... And my everything . Being without them is so hard .. But the time we are together and the memories we make hopefully makes up for the time we are apart . I hope they are as proud of me as I am of them ... They make me try harder and never give up. I hope to create the life they deserve and strive to teach them to be strong .. Smart and loving men . Being a mother is the best and hardest thing I've ever done , but am grateful for them because they keep me on the right path and help me make better choices . Someday I'll find someone who compliments out life , but until then ... The 4 of us are very happy :) we will just continue heading in the direction of our goals ... Slow and steady ... 

Choose Happiness

When talking to a friend one night I said ... " how do you do it? How do you not get upset at so and so .... I never hear you complain about them . "

They answered,  " I just choose not to let her ruin my day". 

As simple as that answer was it was so profound to me.  We choose to let people upset us , we give people the power to hurt us.  We have the choice to let the things people say affect our mood or we can choose to ignore it and overcome it by choosing happiness and inner peace.  

We cannot control what others do .. and it's frustrating to have to deal with the consequences of other people's poor choices , but we can't let THEIR issues and THEIR problems dictate the way we live.

I am the type of person that enjoys making others feel good about themselves  . I enjoy reaching out and telling people that I care. Whether its through a text or a little quote to let them know I'm thinking of them ... I just feel happy by hopefully causing this person to smile and feel better about themselves. BUT sometimes I get sad when no one does that for me .. or they don't respond or acknowledge what I said... I don't know if I was sad that it didn't make them "happy" , or was it deeper than that. 

When reading "The Happiness Project" I realized that we tend to do to others what WE think would make US happy . We use our love language to show how much we care because that's how WE feel loved ... so when that person doesn't respond or react the way we would if we would have received the gesture we get our feelings hurt.  

But in reality. ... it's not that they don't appreciate it , they just feel love and SHOW emotions differently

So a sappy love text isn't always going to equal a sappy love text in return. .. but we cannot assume that they don't care just because we don't get the response we want.

But what I found most interesting is realizing that although our intentions are good in wanting to make someone else happy. ... sometimes we are doing it to actually gain validation and in turn make ourselves happy.  

I know I am guilty of that.  Sometimes I say I miss you because I actually want to know that I'm being missed as well.... and then get my feelings hurt or feel insecure when the response I was "looking for " was not done . 

I realized that situations like that happened quite often and that was a big contributor to my sadness and insecurity which were keeping me from being HAPPY! So I had to change it... 

As part of my happiness project , I am not only working on not allowing other people's bad mood , bad attitude and hurtful words or actions bring me down . I am also going to work on not GIVING with the intention of RECEIVING.  I am not saying I'm always doing nice things to get nice things in return . But I am not going to let the lack of reciprocation cause me to be unhappy . 

 I'm Going to continue to stay true to myself and share my feelings.. but I'm going to do that without expecting or Needing a response to make me happy . 

Happiness comes from within and only I can really make or break my day.  It's much easier said than done. . But it's worth the effort!  

#whitshappinessproject 

What happens in Vegas ... follows you home and onto your blog

25 things I learned while on vacation in Vegas

* Good , honest people still exist , but less of those people are in Vegas
* Always bring 2 forms of ID and leave them in different spots .. one in a purse , one in your luggage or safe in room .. same with your cash
* Don't pack those cheap shoes .. not only did I have 2 pair of shoes break on me but my feet are still paying the price of walking in flip flops for hours ...ouch
* when selecting somewhere to eat . Pay attention to the kind of people coming out and going into the restaurant ... if they are all of the same ethnicity of the kind of food you're eating ... be prepared to have to order your food in that language ... in my case write your order in Chinese symbols and then have to wait for your food while the entire staff sits down for a family meal ....
* when your friend /Co traveler makes a bet that you can't go a whole week without posting anything on social media be prepared for lots of texts wondering if you are alive , there with a secret boyfriend , or worse have your phone stolen containing all photos from trip so you have no proof that the trip ever happened .... I guess what happened in Vegas really stayed in Vegas
* when dressing for a "pool party " ... do not assume that average swimsuit and flip flops will do... apparently high heels , body jewelry , and full on hair and makeup Is required ... also , bottled water will cost you $12 for a tiny mini bottle and there will be puke in the water fountain
* plus side to pool party is the realization that almost every woman has cellulite. .. and the ones you would think would be insecure are the ones shaking it for all to see ... embrace your body ... we all have faults .... but stay classy ( San Diego) haha
* thigh chaffing is real .. and it hurts ... bad
* be practical .. as hot as you look in those heels .. pack those flats ... walking barefoot is gross
* the art of communication is a lost one .... people under the age of 50 do not know how to carry on Conversations ...
* karaoke song selection is very important.  Sing a fun / audience participation song of you can't sing ... not a slow 2009 Taylor Swift song that you any have sang at your high school talent show. It kills the mood and makes for an awkward 3 minutes
* Be grateful for your own vehicle ... public transportation is annoying and lots of people stink.
* cab drivers are weird ... when a 50  year old white lady turns up a snoop dog song full blast and says "sorry ladies .. I'm from long beach and this is my jam... I went to school with snoop dog . Warren g and all those guys ".... I say ... I wanna see the yearbook and turn it down .. I have a headache and am car sick .
* Don't set your phone down even for 2 seconds ... someone will steal it .. and then throw it in a storm drain ... like I said the honest , good people are hard to find .
*however the cab driver the next day was very sweet helping me try and find it with the "find my iPhone app: ... even turned off the meter to help me look ... he kicked every bush and shook every tree even though the gps app showed it was under the road in the drain.
* It's a small world ... and you will run into someone you know ... always ....
* seeing a happy family playing in the pool is the best way to make you homesick and wish you had a good man in your life
* Dramamine works wonders but it may cause you to fall asleep with your mouth wide open ... embarrassing your friend as the flight attendant goes through offering drinks
* bus drivers are mean in Utah too
*write down where you parked in multiple places ... your phone containing that information may get stolen and thrown in a storm drain .
* peeing your pants from laughing is normal and hilarious
* your costa Vida gift card you got for Christmas may actually not have any money on it at all... so that "free welcome home meal " may not end up being free
* Bad luck may be real ... if it is , I had it on this trip
* Best Friends make bad luck trips not so bad .
* laughing at yourself is the only way to survive
*note to self ... NO MORE VEGAS....

My Happiness Projecct

Well... as nice as 6 days of vacation was , I have to admit that I'm happy to be home. I could go on and on about all the funny things that happened , all the cool things we saw and people we met . But I will save that all for another day ....
On the last night of our trip my phone was stolen ... I sat it down on the bathroom counter to help Brit fix her purse strap and when I went to grab it it was gone . The bathroom attendant lady didn't have it , security didn't have it ... I was freaking out. We all know that our lives are on our phones and I hated the thought of some stranger having access to my life. Luckily since it was an iPhone it had an access code and I was able to use some ladies phone to get on and mark it stolen .... when I used the location app the next morning it led me to a parking garage and a storm drain ... the person not being able to use it I guess decided to throw away the evidence ... I was so mad , so sad and so disappointed with myself and my irresponsibility.  I was also confronted with how much I relied on my phone and how lost I felt without it.
Let's just say that the rest of the day was spent replaying my poor decision over and over in my head ... the "why me" statement was muttered a few times ... I wasn't upset over just the phone but I think it triggered so many other issues I've been facing lately and without a phone to distract me from reality I was faced to be alone with my thoughts .
I decided to look around the airport for a book to read while we waited for our now delayed flight .... I couldn't bring myself to read a romantic novel ( the thought of love made we want to cry and barf at the same time ). I had no desire to read the gossip magazines... I just was having a pity party for myself ..poor me ... no phone ... no love in my life ... my vacation was over , I had broken two pair of shoes and spent way too much money ...
But somehow I managed to pick up this book called "The Happiness Project" ... it was exactly what I needed ... Brit And I had been discussing what would actually make us "happy" all week . Vacations only provide a temporary break from reality and I was not looking forward to returning to mine . Although I have so much to be happy about and generally like to think of myself as a happy person . I know that I'm not living up to my full potential or even enjoying the joys of everyday .
Tears started rolling with just the first few pages .... it was exactly what I needed ... I needed to start a Happiness Project!
With the recent passing of my sweet sister in law it put things into perspective for me ... we never know when our time here is done .. we need to be living each day to our fullest potential ... I needed to be a better mother , a better sister etc . I needed to start doing all the things I'd been procrastinating and live in the NOW !
As hard as it was to finish the book with 3 little boys constantly interrupting ... what did help was not having a phone ! Not only were there less distractions but I think it was nice for my kids to see a book in my hands rather than a phone . In fact at one point they were all reading as a well.  So I've officially finished and am now working on my resolutions to make my year of happiness begin. Part of this process is to document your progress , highs and lows , life lessons and so on
.. so what better way then to blog it on here . I'm so excited to be doing something positive with my life and love working on being a better person . It's not going to be easy . I have some major things /habits that I know I need to work on to become a better and happier person , but I was so Inspired by this book that I am willing to give my happiness my time and attention ... as selfish as it sounds she explains that  one of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy ... one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself .
My resolutions are aimed at making me a better more patient structured and present parent...
Finding out what my passions and hobbies are ,
Building my testimony and a solid foundation... becoming more independent and financially responsible and so on !
My Happiness Project starts July 1st.... so watch out world ... a new improved and happier Whitney is on her way!