Resolutions

Even though it's not quite 2015.... I've decided to write down my goals and resolutions for the new year. Maybe by sharing with others it will help me commit to them long term ;) 

So here it goes ... My list of "improvements and goals for 2015"

1. Enroll in school

* I have made the decision to go back to school to persue my RN ... I am nervous but excited to be a student again and work toward a real career in medicine . I know I have what it takes .. Just hope I can find the time and stay balanced with work , school and the kids :) 

2. Drink more water

* I'm not going to say "lose weight " because that is too broad of a statement . I am just going to strive to be more healthy and I know one small thing I could start with is drinking more water . 

3. Cooking Dinner 

* I am guilty of picking up Little Caesars pizza on the way home from work or doing spaghetti or something else quick and easy when the boys are with me ... But I am going to make a goal to cook a REAL dinner at least 3 times a week .

4. Be better to ME 

* I would like to think I am a good friend , person and mother , but sometimes I put my feelings, emotions and well being last on the list. I am going to strive to take at least 30 min. of "Me time " a day... Whether o spend it in the tub relaxing , or exercising , or just watching my favorite show ... I am going to take a few minutes for myself to hopefully keep my sanity. Also I'm going to try and eliminate my negative "self talk " :) 

5. QUALITY TIME with each kid

* I am only one person which makes it very hard to give 3 kids each undivided attention when they are home ... I do try but I'm going to make a goal to do at least one "one on one " activity with each boy every month and at least 20 min of "their time " every day ... It will probably come down to a bedtime routine but I really want to work on that. 

So those are my 5 top goals and resolutions for 2015. It's going to be a great year full of new challenges and hopefully new rewards .... I am excited and ready for the journey! 

Validation

Being a woman in this day and age is hard . All women have faced challenges with the need to feel "validated " by others . By their peers , by men , by society and even family . We all feel inadequate in some way , whether it be financial success or weight or looks .. Our mothering abilities , our marital status , whatever it is there are so many women struggling with the same things and if we would just openly talk about our fears and worries we would realize how powerful we really are . My goal for 2015 is to strive to not seek validation from any any unworthy sources . I am going to strive to be my best self and do things only if I feel like they genuinely make me a better person , not a more popular one. It's going to be hard , I am a pleaser and a follower and always comparing , but it's a change I need to make of I'm going to conquer the goals I have for myself and my future .... Watch out world . I'm coming for ya! 

I Believe in Me

This week has not quite gone my way .... I was turned away from donating plasma (hoping for Christmas money ) because I had some glow in the dark speck on my nail. They said it was probably liquid laundry detergent ... Go figure ... I get punished for doing my wash;) 

 I went out on a limb at work and met with the "top dog" and tried to prove to him that we as surgical MAs deserve more money ... It was scary , and empowering all at the same time . I felt like I have him several valid reasons for the pay increase ... But so far ... Nothing .... And to top it off they gave us the increase of our Health Insurance Cost for next year , and I thought I couldn't afford it already ... Now I really can't ! 

It's so frustrating to work somewhere that does not see the value in loyalty and work ethic. ( the clinic not the physician I work for ) 

 So needless to say , I need more money ... And I think going back to school is the only way I'm going to be able to support myself and my kids . I am nervous because I felt like I already did school to "become " something that would give me a career , but unfortunately that's not the case . So back to the drawing board, and this time I'm aiming much higher and going for my dreams.

 I know that I am my own worst enemy , so I need to change my attitude and outlook and start being my biggest cheerleader instead . I have such an amazing support system around me , and there is no time like the present to go for it right? 

 So this next week will be full of meeting with schools and figuring out my next path... Wish me luck ! I'm going to need it! 

Keeping my head up.....

Today is another day where I just have to laugh at the situation I'm in so I dont drown in my own tears . 

Dating is rough ... It's hard to continue to put yourself , your story , your feelings and your heart out there . It's hard to be rejected and it's hard not being able to find someone you connect with on multiple levels . I know live finds you when you're not looking for it , but yet you have to keep yourself "out there " somehow . 

I am a lover and a dreamer and have a very tender heart.I tend to see the best in people and am so quick to paint a story on my head of my future . 

I don't want to be alone forever , but 3 kids is a lot to ask of someone to take on,  and I think that's where my struggle really lies. My kids are more important to me than finding someone to love me ... And if they don't want them as well ,then they don't really want me . 

The right guy is out there somewhere ... I just need to be patient . So instead of being sad and discouraged I just need to "laugh through my pain ..."

I am healthy , I have a family I love and adore and friends who I couldn't imagine life without. 

Tomorrow is a new day ....  I will just focus on trying to be kind in a mean world and allow humor to lift the burden of my heavy heart. 

Onward and Upward

As I lay here snuggled in a blanket with my 3 crazy boys around me .... My loyal and sweet dog is at our feet and the random cat and her 7 kittens are all cozy as well. In this moment I am so happy. 

 Life has thrown many curve balls my way ... I have never cried more than I have in the past year , but when I stop and think about I have never been as grateful for those tears. 

 I am a different person then I was before the divorce . I am stronger , I am wiser and I am a better mother .

I have a new appreciation for marriage and for healthy relationships . I am so blessed to have such an amazing family who have helped me in so many ways . Not only emotionally but physically and financially . 

I have had my faith tested , some friendships tested and I now know who I am and what I believe in . I believe in honesty and trust and am no longer letting guilt or fear of confrontation control me anymore . I have found my voice , and my purpose and I am excited for my future . 

I have so many great examples of strong independent women in my life and that's what I am striving to be. Raising three boys is a lot of work and there are days I want to pull my hair out , but I wouldn't trade it for anything . 

I am happy , I am heathy , and I am proud of the person I am . 

No looking back .... It's all up from here . 

"The past is the past and we must live in the present to survive the future" 

Happy Tuesday

Well it's 4 a.m. And why am I awake you ask? 

Well I woke up because I heard Taggart get up and change his clothes... I knew what that meant ... He had an accident... So I hesitantly feel the sheets next to me :( yep I was right . Luckily I was not wet

 ( yes that has happened before ) and it wasn't that bad...So I got up and to get a towel and went to see where Tag had went ... Well here's what I found 

Taggart has always been a snuggle bug and likes to sleep right next to someone ... Hunter is only allowing it because he's already asleep ;) 

So after that I throw the towel over the wet spot ( yes I'm that lazy plus Kole is asleep still in the bed ) and as I go to climb in on the opposite side I hear a Big Bang and my bed frame falls off of the risers I have it on .... Yep .. So one side of the bed is on the ground and it's too heavy and too much work to do alone .... So now I am laying on the couch ... My bed is broken and wet from pee ... This is my reality . 

Happy Tuesday . 

Time out

I have officially put my self in time out .... My feet (hands and mouth) are all hurting .... I have a headache and project runway is on so because of that the kids have decided to rebel and cause complete insanity. 

Because of the sores in my mouth I wanted to have some soup for dinner so Chinese it was . Well when the delivery girl showed up I walked outside and there were my kids ... Half naked and covered in dirt and marker.... She looked at me in my mismatched outfit and wet hair and homely looking children and literally started to laugh ... 

I made the kids wash their hands and eat their dinner ..... Somehow as I was cleaning up dinner they managed to take every blanket and pillow in the entire house and completely blocked the hallway .... After making them clean that up it was time for baths .... 

I had already given Kole 2 today so he was crying because I wouldn't let him get in .... I had to fight with Taggart because he was being his normal "ninja " self and having a dance battle with himself in the family room and is really good at ignoring me ... Finally he got in and after two inches of water on the floor later it was time for him to get out and Hunter to get in ... After calling for him 300 times I went into his room and said "didn't you hear me ? " He starts crying and says "my ears are hurt and not working" haha not true but I appreciated the drama and the effort ... So then he finally gets in after telling me that I am the worst mom and that I am a B-R-A-T yes he spells it not says it .,... 

I go to get the pjs to find my bed completely off of the little risers that I have it on .... And that's when I just had enough ... Before I completely lost it I decided to just put myself on timeout , grabbed a Dr. Pepper and started venting on here. 

I just find it so interesting that we have to fight our kids to get in the bath just to turn around and beg them to get out! I order Chinese which they love but they somehow forget the fried shrimp and send eggrolls instead and somehow it's my fault :/ 

Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done ... I would like to think I am doing a good job , but sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed . 

But then there are the moments like Kole thinking the Victoria Secret model on the tv was me because In his words "you beautiful " .

It's feeling proud while practicing spelling words Hunter got them all right .... 

It's watching Taggart give Kole a piggy back and talking "baby talk" to him ...

As much as they make me want to scream and cry they make me want to scream and cry for joy as well.... They are good , smart and handsome boys who love me unconditionally .... And I am lucky. 

So I think I feel better ... Thanks for reading ... Love to you all ... I'm going to finish Project runway and go to bed :)

Goodnight