You can all comment now :)

After quite a few people said they were unable to post comments , I did some research and changed my settings so now anyone can leave some love :) Please keep it positive , share your story , give advice , whatever you feel ... Thanks for all your support ! 😘😘😘

You can do anything . But not everything .

As I lay here with a heating pad on my stupid ovarian cyst , I can't help but think about my day tomorrow and all I need to accomplish . I really don't have the time to be dealing with this pain right now . 

I , like everyone , have big plans for my future . I want to be able to support my children and be able to give them everything they need and deserve . Like I've said before , this was never my plan ... I never thought I would be 28 and single with 3 kids , trying to make it all work . I am so inspired by all those that work hard to support a family . I have so much more respect for men and the responsibility they carry to make the money to provide for their families . I've done both roles , I've stayed home all day with the kids and that was hard . And now working and still trying to be an invested parent is hard. I have to rely a lot on the babysitter and my parents to help fill the voids. 

I'm trying my hardest to be more disciplined and create structure for the boys and myself .... I struggle with the thought of finding the time and energy to go back to school. I know I need to make a change to improve my financial situation , I just don't know how people do it all ! But then I ran across this quote

All I can do is set realistic goals and try my best. I know I have friends and family that support me and want what's best for my family and I just need to have faith in myself that I can do it . 

I have received so many emails and texts from people who read my blog , so many unfortunately are going though my same situation and it breaks my heart. I wouldn't wish this on anyone , but hopefully this helps us all look at what we do have and cherish it . Marriages are ending everywhere I turn , quitting seems to be the answer to so many and I just wish that wasn't the case. Marriage is worth the effort . Your kids are worth the effort it takes to change and the time it takes to work on your relationship. No one is perfect , some relationships are easier in ways than others , but at the end of the day we all want the same things , to love and to be loved in return . Raising young children is challenging , your wife is going to skip a shower because she spent her whole day with the kids and meeting their needs first . Your husband is going to bring stress home from work and want to relax , the financial responsibility is a big load to carry. We may find other people outside of our marriage that seem to "get us" or fill the voids in our lives , but I promise that if you would just honestly communicate those needs to your spouse, they will listen and feel relived and probably share the same feelings. 

I promise , the hardest marriage can work if two people are willing to work on it . Love is a verb , you have to actively show your partner that you're in love with them . I did not do that in my marriage , we both assumed the other knew how we felt and it caused us to feel that it was a relationship that we couldn't be in anymore . I would do anything to turn back time and change it all. The last thing I wanted for my children is a broken home . It breaks my heart that they have to split their lives in two ... But that is the life we have created for them . I now can't stay home and raise them , I have to work to provide and I have to go days without seeing them , all because we were not dedicated enough to making our marriage work . 

I cannot control what Matt chose or chooses to do anymore . I can only try and create a heathy co-parenting relationship and try to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them . I have learned to not hold back . When I love  you , you'll know it. Even if it's not reciprocated in the way I would like , I'm not doing it for the return . I love showing people  how much they mean to me , and one day , I'll find the guy who feels that way about me . But until then , I will continue to love the life I have and never settle for less than I deserve . I will work hard to be the best mom I can be and never give up. Although my marriage ended , I still believe in it. I believe that the world we live in today has made it easy to quit and feel like we can find better . Trust me , the grass is only green where you water it . 

I hope that all of you that read this can take something away from this and know that no matter what you can DO ANYTHING just not EVERYTHING :) ask for help , communicate , and give yourself credit. We are all fighting different battles , let's help each other instead of hurt. Xoxoxo Whit 

Stronger

So to be completely honest , today has been a hard day. Finding out your ex husband is engaged isn't the way I like to start my day ( or year ) ... But it is what it is. Happy or not , all that matters are my kids and their happiness . I never want them to have to go through another divorce and I just want them to have the best possible future.

All breakups are hard , regardless of the situation ... It is a process and has different stages , no one talks about how to deal with divorce , or how to properly handle watching your ex get remarried . But what I do know that what im feeling is normal . It's normal to feel a little hurt and a little jealous . As happy as I am that he has found someone it's hard not to think "what does she have that I didn't ?" . I think another thing that makes it more difficult is that I am not in a relationship so it's easy to feel alone or that something must be wrong with me . 

But instead of dwelling and crying and getting upset , I am going to turn this negative into a positive and use this as a time to reflect , appreciate my life and just focus on the only thing I can control which is being the best mom I can be. My boys are my main priority and I am going to have to invest some time and effort into making myself someone that I think they will be proud of . I have so much to be thankful for and so many people who love me . 

I know that one day I will find the person that will make me want to get married again , but until then I will just continue building a life that I can feel confident in even if I go it alone . 

So as hard as the news was to swallow today , I am realizing how much stronger I am than I was a year ago, how much I have grown , and how much I still have to work on . 

I am a believer in you get what you give and I am going to continue to give it my all.... 2015 is going to be a year of personal growth and self improvement .... I'm excited to see the changes. I can do hard things .... Because every day I'm a little bit stronger! 

Resolutions

Even though it's not quite 2015.... I've decided to write down my goals and resolutions for the new year. Maybe by sharing with others it will help me commit to them long term ;) 

So here it goes ... My list of "improvements and goals for 2015"

1. Enroll in school

* I have made the decision to go back to school to persue my RN ... I am nervous but excited to be a student again and work toward a real career in medicine . I know I have what it takes .. Just hope I can find the time and stay balanced with work , school and the kids :) 

2. Drink more water

* I'm not going to say "lose weight " because that is too broad of a statement . I am just going to strive to be more healthy and I know one small thing I could start with is drinking more water . 

3. Cooking Dinner 

* I am guilty of picking up Little Caesars pizza on the way home from work or doing spaghetti or something else quick and easy when the boys are with me ... But I am going to make a goal to cook a REAL dinner at least 3 times a week .

4. Be better to ME 

* I would like to think I am a good friend , person and mother , but sometimes I put my feelings, emotions and well being last on the list. I am going to strive to take at least 30 min. of "Me time " a day... Whether o spend it in the tub relaxing , or exercising , or just watching my favorite show ... I am going to take a few minutes for myself to hopefully keep my sanity. Also I'm going to try and eliminate my negative "self talk " :) 

5. QUALITY TIME with each kid

* I am only one person which makes it very hard to give 3 kids each undivided attention when they are home ... I do try but I'm going to make a goal to do at least one "one on one " activity with each boy every month and at least 20 min of "their time " every day ... It will probably come down to a bedtime routine but I really want to work on that. 

So those are my 5 top goals and resolutions for 2015. It's going to be a great year full of new challenges and hopefully new rewards .... I am excited and ready for the journey! 

Validation

Being a woman in this day and age is hard . All women have faced challenges with the need to feel "validated " by others . By their peers , by men , by society and even family . We all feel inadequate in some way , whether it be financial success or weight or looks .. Our mothering abilities , our marital status , whatever it is there are so many women struggling with the same things and if we would just openly talk about our fears and worries we would realize how powerful we really are . My goal for 2015 is to strive to not seek validation from any any unworthy sources . I am going to strive to be my best self and do things only if I feel like they genuinely make me a better person , not a more popular one. It's going to be hard , I am a pleaser and a follower and always comparing , but it's a change I need to make of I'm going to conquer the goals I have for myself and my future .... Watch out world . I'm coming for ya! 

I Believe in Me

This week has not quite gone my way .... I was turned away from donating plasma (hoping for Christmas money ) because I had some glow in the dark speck on my nail. They said it was probably liquid laundry detergent ... Go figure ... I get punished for doing my wash;) 

 I went out on a limb at work and met with the "top dog" and tried to prove to him that we as surgical MAs deserve more money ... It was scary , and empowering all at the same time . I felt like I have him several valid reasons for the pay increase ... But so far ... Nothing .... And to top it off they gave us the increase of our Health Insurance Cost for next year , and I thought I couldn't afford it already ... Now I really can't ! 

It's so frustrating to work somewhere that does not see the value in loyalty and work ethic. ( the clinic not the physician I work for ) 

 So needless to say , I need more money ... And I think going back to school is the only way I'm going to be able to support myself and my kids . I am nervous because I felt like I already did school to "become " something that would give me a career , but unfortunately that's not the case . So back to the drawing board, and this time I'm aiming much higher and going for my dreams.

 I know that I am my own worst enemy , so I need to change my attitude and outlook and start being my biggest cheerleader instead . I have such an amazing support system around me , and there is no time like the present to go for it right? 

 So this next week will be full of meeting with schools and figuring out my next path... Wish me luck ! I'm going to need it! 

Keeping my head up.....

Today is another day where I just have to laugh at the situation I'm in so I dont drown in my own tears . 

Dating is rough ... It's hard to continue to put yourself , your story , your feelings and your heart out there . It's hard to be rejected and it's hard not being able to find someone you connect with on multiple levels . I know live finds you when you're not looking for it , but yet you have to keep yourself "out there " somehow . 

I am a lover and a dreamer and have a very tender heart.I tend to see the best in people and am so quick to paint a story on my head of my future . 

I don't want to be alone forever , but 3 kids is a lot to ask of someone to take on,  and I think that's where my struggle really lies. My kids are more important to me than finding someone to love me ... And if they don't want them as well ,then they don't really want me . 

The right guy is out there somewhere ... I just need to be patient . So instead of being sad and discouraged I just need to "laugh through my pain ..."

I am healthy , I have a family I love and adore and friends who I couldn't imagine life without. 

Tomorrow is a new day ....  I will just focus on trying to be kind in a mean world and allow humor to lift the burden of my heavy heart.