We are all broken , that's how the light gets in " - Earnest Hemingway

 Life has thrown quite a few curve balls lately . Things that have had me questioning my faith , my purpose and my past. There were many nights I wished there wouldn't be a morning. Many days I wish would end long before they were supposed to . More tears were shed in the privacy of my own room , then in the presence of my loved ones. So much heartache was hidden from sight , hidden from my family and friends and kept locked up tight in a secret place that I was even afraid to go. For those of you that know my story and my life I'm sure you think I'm talking about my divorce , but thats not the case. My battle with depression started long before that . In fact , I believe my depression was one of the main causes of my divorce .
 I still remember filling out the "depression"  questioner at the doctors office at 15 years old. Its a moment I will never forget . I watched myself check every box. I watched as the doctor added them up and I got a perfect score , not really a test I had hoped to ace, but that was the reality . She looked up at me and my mom with a look of pity in her eyes and I instantly burst into tears. I had no idea why I felt this way , I had everything to be happy about , I was loved , I was taken care of . I had a happy home , friends , hobbies ... I had it all , but sadly my brain saw it differently .
Life obviously wasn't picture perfect . We had my elderly grandparents living with us at the time. My Grandma required a lot of my moms time and attention . I loved having them there and have so much respect for my parents for stepping up and taking that on especially with my dads poor health and 4 busy children to also care for . But I will admit that I was bitter and overwhelmed at times . Our home wasn't like my friends , I was sometimes embarrassed , sometimes wishing it was different. why couldnt we be like everyone else? Looking back now I realize how blessed I was and what an amazing opportunity it was to have them in our home. I was shown what true unconditional love and sacrifice looked like. I was shown the reality of getting older and the I believe it was because of this that I chose to go into the medical field later in life. But in my 15 year old mind... I just couldn't handle it .

Lets rewind a few years...


 I have always been a pleaser... I even won 'biggest brown noser" in 7th grade. I was the girl who stayed in at recess to help my teacher, the annoying kid who walked around with the recess duty .. I didnt like to break the rules , I hated conflict... all I wanted was to be "good" . I wanted to make my parents , grandparents and aunts and uncles  proud. I loved the feeling when I received praise , I loved the attention , I loved feeling proud. I was happy , I was loved and I had no idea what my future would hold , but I was sure that it was going to be magical.
 I was the girl like many that grew up believing I was a real princess . I was magic , animals could talk   I was going to find a prince and a castle and life would be sunshine and rainbows. I was confident and did well in school. I had friends and felt like I was accepted . I feel like my sense of " reality "was as it should be for a child.
 My first taste of the other side of life was when my best friend Kasies brother died. She called me to tell me and I remember saying " your lying" ... she started crying and thats when I felt my stomach drop. It was real , and my little 10 year old mind just couldn't understand it. I felt so GUILTY that I didnt believe her and that I questioned her about it. I was heartbroken and remember vividly crying in my room with my dad and just couldn't get over the fact that I did that. It wasn't so much about the fact that he had passed but more about the way I had made my friend feel. I know that I didnt go to school the next day , and felt "off" for quite a while . When Kasie returned to school we were in the library practicing for a musical performance and I guess she locked her knees and fainted . Everyone gathered around her and I lost it... I thought she died. I was hysterical . She of course woke up and was ok but I will never forget that feeling .  I tell this story because I truly believe that death changes people . Its a turning point in life, and although I didnt know her brother well , it was still my first experience with it and it obviously had an impact on me.
 I talk about it because its an experience that is an example of how I would deal with hard things in life. I obviously felt guilt ,I felt her pain and took it on myself.  I internalized my sadness and I somehow thought I was a bad person for not believing her when she told me that he had died. I know that sounds silly , but I find it interesting that even as I type this , I still feel bad and it hurts my heart that it happened.
 Fast forward a year and my Grandparents leave for a mission. My Aunt that lived with them had a very hard time and had trials in her own life that caused her to experience her own battle with depression . The medications she was put on did not mix well and she was very ill. It was scary ... I learned a lot about my family , our history and it was the first time I saw DEPRESSION or even heard about it . We ended up moving in with her , I started Jr High and like every other teenage girl experienced my first bouts of drama with friends , the need to want to fit in and be liked. The competition , the clicks , all of it. ...for my little brown noser , people pleasing heart , it was a hard few years .
 We ended up moving so that we could then care for my moms parents . It was  hard watching my Grandma slowly decline and she ended up passing 3 years later. That was my second experience with death and another turning point in my life. I honestly remember feeling so much resentment and almost anger. It wasn't fair, I watched my poor mothers heart break , my Grandpas light go out and we were all missing a person that meant the world to us. I think this coupled with the "drama" in my dumb teenage life just pushed me over the edge.
 So this takes us back to the doctors office and the "depression test" . I was suicidal , I felt hopeless and I honestly didnt see the point. The doctor prescribed a medication and that was that.
I didnt do well on the meds unfortunately but was able to see a really great therapist. I can still remember laying on the floor in her office petting her golden retriever . I loved being able to talk to her and feel no judgment . I loved that my thoughts and my feelings didnt affect her and that she was simply there to listen and help me process my emotions. I will forever be grateful for Barbra, she taught me some great coping skills and honestly saved my life .
 I tell that story because again it is an example of how I was always worried about my feelings affecting others , I would rather keep it all inside then hurt someones feelings or create conflict .
So life , as it always does, continued on .... we lost my sweet Grandpa a year later . I was happy that he was where he wanted to be , with my Grandma in heaven.
My dad during all of this had had many health problems and was diagnosed with Lupus. His kidney ended up failing and it was a very scary time. He was so sick. My immature 16 year old self of couse was consumed with my own life an friends etc that I didnt really SEE how scary and how close to death he really was. When it came time for him to get a kidney transplant my Uncle Bill ( his big brother ) was a match and was able to donate his kidney to him, Words cannot describe the gift that Bill gave us. He literally saved my fathers life . He gave us our dad back ...
 During all this craziness , I had decided to switch High Schools, that in itself was hard , I think I hid in the bathroom at lunch the first few days... but I made new friends and refound my love for school . I was thriving in my new environment . I made goals for my future and had a plan. I graduated , went on lots of adventures , and I was happy .
 I like almost every other girl in Utah , felt like I was ready for marriage ... when I met Matt I fell in love with him. We were instant friends and he possessed every quality I was looking for . We were opposite in a lot of ways , but I knew he would be an amazing provider and father . We shared the goal getting married in the temple and he came from a great family . In my 18 year old head , I had made it.
 Our marriage didnt start out great . Past guilt and depression snuck in , the excitement perhaps wore off and I was realizing that I wasn't happy WITH MYSLEF . It was easy to blame Matt , I wanted to leave ... in fact I did. I can only imagine how badly that hurt him. This depressed girl wasn't the one he fell in love with and wanted to marry . I went back to therapy , blamed the breakdown on birth control and we moved on. I enrolled in school and worked ... we stayed busy and continued "living the dream". I honesty feel like I shut down any doubt I had , we put our heads down and moved forward . We had mad a commitment and we were going to make it work . we became parents and our kids became our whole world. The relationship had obviously never been strong , but we worked together well as parents and our love for our boys felt like enough.
 I realize now that I had quit progressing as a person . I was not a priority , my children were . I didnt work on myself , I didnt work on my marriage . I simply was focused on surviving the day . Matt put up with a lot . I stopped caring , gained weight , stopped getting ready . I was in a depressed state and it almost just became normal to me . Things happened , our marriage ended after 8 years an again I found myself in the doctors office getting a perfect score on that damn test.
That first year alone were some of the hardest times of my life . I had never felt so broken . I know that if it weren't for my children I wouldn't have survived it. It was because of them that I got up each day , I went back to work , made so many new friends and slowly started to see me be me again. I was only getting better because I was finally making me a priority again , even if it was forced it was still happening . Dating made me care about my appearance , I had to start analyzing what I wanted in another person , which meant I had to analyze myself . I saw my flaws, I wanted to fix them. Its been over 4 years now and I'm finally feeling like Im making some progress.
 Death has recently felt like a constant thing in my life . Losing my beloved Grandma and Uncle Bill really has shaken me and left me asking WHY .
 But I now see , that without the heartache , we wouldn't know joy and without the cracks the light couldn't get in.
 I have lots of work to do , but I am grateful for the power of hindsight and the way we are able to use our past to change our future. I am excited and re-inspired to do what I love . I hope that by sharing my stories , I can help others . Even if it just makes you feel better about yourself . We all have our trials ... but I have found that laughing is the best medicine and happy girls are the prettiest . You take the good along with the bad and Im lucky to have loved people so much that my heart can break when they're gone . Death changes people , it is obvious in my life , but I know this isn't the end and I will see them again. I challenge you to maybe take a look at your own life and see what your " pivotal" moments were . Challenge yourself to see your patterns and your habits . Progression is the only way to gain happiness ... its only up from here . Thank you for taking the time to read this . More to come .

What used to be mine ....

http://youtu.be/SVaolE6As0Y

I believe in the power of music and I always seem to find a song that represents exactly how I'm feeling and tonight's song is no different . 

Tomorrow is one of those days I used to celebrate and now I dread because of the memories and feelings that go with it . It's crazy how easily all those terrible feelings can return and make you feel like you're right back where you started . Life is hard . Things don't work out the way you think they will ... People change , and things end . It's all for a reason and know something better is ahead . Someday this day will just sting a little ... But until then , I'll let it hurt so I can learn from the pain . Sometimes ...when it rains , it pours ... And tonight , I'm drowning . Luckily I have great family and friends to be my lifesavers and to keep me comforted through it all.

 I have had such eye opening experiences this past week and have seen that although things still aren't where I want them , I'm proud that I have not lost my desire to love unconditionally . My heart is bruised but no longer broken ... With each setback that I face I get stronger . I know I'm on a journey and it's all about enjoying the ride , so I'll continue to put a smile on my face and continue to search for the things , the places and the people that will help me find the "girl that used to be mine . " 

Bad day

You know those days at work when you're so overwhelmed that a single tear runs down your cheek , but then you realize you have no time to cry ( or take a drink , or pee or even sit ) ..... Well that was my day today. 

 So as I come home to my 3 wonderful children , fighting , crying pouting and whining , I about lost it . 

While driving to get dinner ( yes we had McDonalds ) Hunter was upset and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. All I heard was "you're mean , you're not the boss , just take me to my dads , blah blah blah " .... I tried explaining to him that if he didn't explain to me why he was upset then I couldn't fix the problem .... I told him it's like his teacher setting down a test with no questions and just expecting him to know all the answers . Well I guess that clicked and he finally explained his very 8 year old issues to me . We talked about solutions and he seemed to be better .... We did our daily routine of asking how his day was and what they did at school ... Everyone have their answers ... But not one of them asked me how my day was . 

I know what you're thinking ... They are 3,7 and 8 years old ... Why would they ? And usually I would think the same thing , but I decided to use this as a teaching opportunity . 

Sometimes I think people nowadays are so consumed with their own issues and their own problems that they fail to notice others in need . As I busted my butt all day today trying to keep my Doctor on time , trying to keep the patients wait short and yet not slack on their care ... I was mainly met with less than friendly attitudes and annoyed people . I kept my smile on my face and literally had sweat on my forehead , but NOT one of them noticed ... Not one patient appreciated ( well expressed it ) how hard I was trying even as I explained that we were short staffed and I was trying my hardest to make their visit worthwhile . It's so hard to work in a customer service based field because in all honesty ... Your service is always expected , but not appreciated . 

But all that aside ... I know those days happen TO EVERYONE !!! But what I find most difficult to deal with , is when I come home after a day like that ... I don't have anyone to give me a hug ... Let me sit on the couch and cry ... All I have is my boys , and they just don't get it . 

I could be let it stay that way , allowing them to stay focused on themselves and their iPads and toys,  but instead we sat down and takes about it . I told them how important it is to be sensitive to others feelings ... To check on eachother and always try and be kind ... I told them how much it would mean to me if they would simply ask how my day was . I told them that they are the men in my life ... My partners ... My room mates and my friends ... And sometimes moms need hugs and loves too. We talked about how it feels to be sad and have a bad day and what makes each of us feel appreciated and loved . Men / boys especially need to sometimes be taught how to be more empathetic and how to be more sensitive to women's feelings so that's my goal as their mom ... soooo all in all It was a great talk and that was enough to turn my day around . 

Not even 10 min later as we were doing some homework  , Hunter said ... Hey mom , how was your day? 

Tears filled my eyes and all I could do was hug him and cry. I told him that it wasn't a very good one , but that by him asking he had made it so much better . 

We didn't get into the details , he didn't let me sit and cry and the couch while he put the other kids to bed like a husband probably would , but he did make me feel special and made me feel like someone cared about me . 

For all those of you who have a spouse , partner, Roommate  or anyone that is there to greet you when you get home ... Try a little harder to listen to them ... Appreciate their hard work and the fact that you have someone to come home to . It's almost been 3 years since I've had that ... And I'll admit that's what I miss most . But hopefully after tonight I've taught my boys a lesson in compassion and empathy , and feel much more blessed to have what I do have. I am so grateful for tomorrow's and for the gift of motherhood ... It teaches me so much . So even as I sit here in the tub listening to the two boys fight  while Kole is literally swimming next to me ... I felt heard and appreciated even for a small second today , and for me ... That's a good day :) I always try to remember that I'm so lucky to GET to do this !!!!! ... Goodnight 

P.S. Just a suggestion ... Next time you're waiting at the doctors office , and your MA looks like she's been running her butt off ( not only because she has a headband on and crazy hair ) ... Don't just assume she's been sitting on her butt looking at Facebook , making you wait .... Perhaps she's listening to a patient with dementia tell their life story because no one else would listen . Or maybe she's trying to translate what her Spanish speaking patient is trying to say ... Or answering 10000 questions to a concerned mother of a child or a wife concerned about her husband with cancer . Whatever it may be , as long as they show you respect and try their hardest to make YOU feel heard as well , maybe give them a smile or a kind word... Like my wise friend / coworker said today ... "One Atta-boy trumps a thousand Oh Shits " 

Connections

I'm learning to accept that people come into your life for either a time , a reason or a season..... Not everyone stays , not everyone values the relationship as much as you do ... And not everyone means what they say . 

BUT ... Like the quote says , REAL connections live on forever .You can't control who or what you connect with , who you love or how they feel about you .  So as tempting as it is sometimes to miss someone or the relationship you had , remember why it ended in the first place . Even though the memories are vivid and they make you laugh ... It's not them you miss , but the way they made you feel. The way they made you feel secure for the first time in forever , the way they knew your heart like no one had ... It's not them ... It's not him ... It's the you that you were with him that you're craving . 

I don't know why we have to get pieces of what we want .. Almost like a taste and then have it taken away ... It's hard to imagine that you'll ever taste that again , it's hard to convince yourself that it will happen again in this lifetime ,but I hope it does because I think I can't stand living this way forever . I now know that it's possible to have someone complete you ... To have someone you care so much about that you would do anything to make them happy . I know that's real ... And in my case it's gone and it breaks my heart .... 

I can't look back , it's never going to work ... Just needed to write down my heart and burn the pages .. 

I know everytime I see or think of him those feelings will return , but I'm hoping that soon it will just be a pleasant memory and leave me with a smile on my face instead of a tear on my cheek . 

So now I say goodbye to the illusion of what could've been and say hello to a future with no you . Someone's going to love me again ... Someday . 

"My Denmark"

 

A friend told me a story tonight that was told to her a few years ago during a difficult time in her life by her Stake President .... I'm going to try and paraphrase it the best I can . 

 " A woman had always dreamed of going to Paris ... Her whole life was spent planning , saving and researching all the best things about it. Finally she had saved enough to go and booked her flight . The next few weeks were then spent packing and preparing for her big trip. Nothing could go wrong .,. She had thought and planned out everything perfectly . 

When her fight landed and she was making her way through the airport she realized that somehow she wasn't in Paris at all but rather in Denmark . Her heart was broken ... How could this happen !!! This wasn't the Paris trip she had been dreaming of . She tried to find flights to Paris but had no luck ... She was stuck in Denmark . She shed her tears and reluctantly found a room for the week .

The next day as she was walking around town , she started to realize all the beautiful things Denmark had to offer .. The windmills , the tulips , the history all surrounding her ... It was beautiful . It wasn't her Paris ... It wasn't what she had always dreamed and planned for ... But it was now her Denmark .  

She decided to make the most of her situation and learned to love where she was and not dwell on what she missed out on and ended up having a wonderful vacation .

This story was a metaphor for a woman who had longed to be a mother for years and years and once she became pregnant she leaned that her child would be severely handicapped . Being a mother was her Paris ... But being a mother to a special needs child was her Denmark.... Not exactly what she had planned , but beautiful and meant to be . 

 I know so many of us can relate to this story . We all have things that didn't go as planned ... But as we look back at it , aren't we better because of it? 

As hard as it has been to have my marriage end ... I have found "My Denmark " . I'm learning to see the beauty in the trial and see the changes it has provoked in me . My heart has never hurt so much but in ways I have never felt such joy . 

 As parents we watch our children suffer with physical problems , addiction , bullying , mental problems or some even death...While some people have the trial of infertility . We all have struggles .. Just in different ways . 

I hope this story touched you the way it did to me ... Try seeing the beauty in your surroundings even if they aren't ideal . There's always a lesson behind every trial ... Let us all be a little kinder , love a little more and judge a little less . So grateful for my friend for following the prompting  she had to tell me that story .. It will stay with me forever and has opened my eyes to the beauty in front of me ... It may not be Paris ... But I ❤️ my Demark!

 

Fear

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself " FDR 

Well many of us probably don't feel that way .... I know that I fear more than just fear itself . 

I have had so much on my mind lately ... This whole "happiness project " has led me down a path of self realization and has brought so many things to my attention . One of the things that surprised me most was when I was thinking about what was holding me back from achieving certain goals or stopping me from progressing was actually FEAR. 

I'm afraid to fail again ... I'm afraid to get hurt ... I'm afraid to be rejected and I'm afraid of the unknown ... 

For me this was such a huge eye opener . I had convinced myself that I just wasn't ready for things or the right opportunity had not come along ... The timing was off or I just wasn't interested but what it really boiled down to was fear . 

I decided to reach out to family , friends and co workers to see what their fears were .. Some responded with things like 

*spiders 

*heights 

*yucky food 

*snakes 

*sharks 

*earthquakes 

 While others said 

*the death of a loved one 

*cancer 

*dying young 

*financial ruin 

*being alone

*business ventures 

*relatuonships  

*watching my children fail 

But the most common answer were 

*Failure & disappointing others 

I found that very interesting that so many of us are so afraid to Fail. What is failure and who determines if you do ? 

Is it society ? Religion ? Our peers and loved ones ? 

I know that the opinion of my family and friends mean a lot to me ... Disappointing them is one of my biggest fears ... But what I find funny about that statement is what would I really have to do to fail them ? What would I have to do to truly disappoint them ? 

Fear is not what I want directing my path ... So I am challenging my fears and taking a closer look as to why I actually feel that way and what I'm actually trying to avoid . 

Someone is not going to come along and  take all the worry away ... No one can change the way I think and feel but myself . I'm taking the power away from my fear and really focusing on facing the problems head on .... Not sure how successful I will be and there's even potential for failure ... But one thing I can say for sure is that all of my "failures " have taught me something and all of the disappointments and my bad choices have made me a more forgiving and humble person . My family has never left my side and I've never felt closer to my friends ... So maybe FDR was right ... Maybe The only thing to fear is fear itself ... 

I'm making efforts to be a happier better version of myself and plan to not let fear stop that . Wish me luck ... It's going to be a long road .... But it's worth the time and I need the exercise ;)  

Some things never change

I have this very vivid memory of when I was probably around 8 or so , we had just went as a family to the West Point Carnival . Apparently we as kids were not very nice , we probably cried , whined and threw a fit ... But whatever it was it made my dad very very mad which was pretty hard to do .  I remember us all getting sent to our rooms ( even my mom got grounded ) . I know that night I wrote in my journal "my dad is mad at us for being bad at the park . We are all in our rooms , even mom... I hope he won't be mad tomorrow ." 

 Well history is repeating itself . All the boys are in their rooms and I'm in time out as well . I think the lack of sleep from working all night has led me to have even less patience than normal ... I'm sick of the arguing , the wrestling , the fighting and the whining . 

So here I sit .. Eating cold pizza and writing down my feelings just like I did when I was 8. I guess some things never change . 

As I reflect on things it's kind of interesting to me how true it is that we are all just" made the way we are " I am still very similar to my 8 year old self ... As hard as I work on improving things about myself ... some attributes are just how I am and what make ME ... ME :) 

 I'm learning this more and more as the boys get older . They have all been raised basically the same way but all have such different ways of coping with stress , anger and what makes them happy . 

Knowing what makes you , you and what makes you tick is such an important thing. Self realization is hard but slowly through all my ups and downs Im figuring out who I am . 

So when you get a second , think back to how you delt with things when you were little ... What funny quirky things do you still do !?? Do your children do some of the same things you did ? It's funny , interesting and kinda crazy how we are all made . 

So the moral of this story is that I KNOW that I do not do well on little sleep ... I'm an overthinker and stress out about things that I can't change . I'm crazy and weird and love to laugh ... I'm a people pleaser and hate confrontation , a giver and trusting to a fault ... I'm impatient and impulsive but spontaneous and will do anything for laugh. Writing my feelings has always made me feel better and I honestly feel like I can survive the rest of the night now that I've done this :)  

Thankful that tomorrow is a new day , and for the power of cold pizza ;) 

Goodnight folks . 

On a lighter note ... How cute is Taggart with his missing front tooth 😍