My Happiness Projecct

Well... as nice as 6 days of vacation was , I have to admit that I'm happy to be home. I could go on and on about all the funny things that happened , all the cool things we saw and people we met . But I will save that all for another day ....
On the last night of our trip my phone was stolen ... I sat it down on the bathroom counter to help Brit fix her purse strap and when I went to grab it it was gone . The bathroom attendant lady didn't have it , security didn't have it ... I was freaking out. We all know that our lives are on our phones and I hated the thought of some stranger having access to my life. Luckily since it was an iPhone it had an access code and I was able to use some ladies phone to get on and mark it stolen .... when I used the location app the next morning it led me to a parking garage and a storm drain ... the person not being able to use it I guess decided to throw away the evidence ... I was so mad , so sad and so disappointed with myself and my irresponsibility.  I was also confronted with how much I relied on my phone and how lost I felt without it.
Let's just say that the rest of the day was spent replaying my poor decision over and over in my head ... the "why me" statement was muttered a few times ... I wasn't upset over just the phone but I think it triggered so many other issues I've been facing lately and without a phone to distract me from reality I was faced to be alone with my thoughts .
I decided to look around the airport for a book to read while we waited for our now delayed flight .... I couldn't bring myself to read a romantic novel ( the thought of love made we want to cry and barf at the same time ). I had no desire to read the gossip magazines... I just was having a pity party for myself ..poor me ... no phone ... no love in my life ... my vacation was over , I had broken two pair of shoes and spent way too much money ...
But somehow I managed to pick up this book called "The Happiness Project" ... it was exactly what I needed ... Brit And I had been discussing what would actually make us "happy" all week . Vacations only provide a temporary break from reality and I was not looking forward to returning to mine . Although I have so much to be happy about and generally like to think of myself as a happy person . I know that I'm not living up to my full potential or even enjoying the joys of everyday .
Tears started rolling with just the first few pages .... it was exactly what I needed ... I needed to start a Happiness Project!
With the recent passing of my sweet sister in law it put things into perspective for me ... we never know when our time here is done .. we need to be living each day to our fullest potential ... I needed to be a better mother , a better sister etc . I needed to start doing all the things I'd been procrastinating and live in the NOW !
As hard as it was to finish the book with 3 little boys constantly interrupting ... what did help was not having a phone ! Not only were there less distractions but I think it was nice for my kids to see a book in my hands rather than a phone . In fact at one point they were all reading as a well.  So I've officially finished and am now working on my resolutions to make my year of happiness begin. Part of this process is to document your progress , highs and lows , life lessons and so on
.. so what better way then to blog it on here . I'm so excited to be doing something positive with my life and love working on being a better person . It's not going to be easy . I have some major things /habits that I know I need to work on to become a better and happier person , but I was so Inspired by this book that I am willing to give my happiness my time and attention ... as selfish as it sounds she explains that  one of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy ... one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself .
My resolutions are aimed at making me a better more patient structured and present parent...
Finding out what my passions and hobbies are ,
Building my testimony and a solid foundation... becoming more independent and financially responsible and so on !
My Happiness Project starts July 1st.... so watch out world ... a new improved and happier Whitney is on her way!

Onward and upward ....

Well I just wanted to say how thankful I am for all the love an support so many of you have expressed through sweet messages these past few days ... Hearing so many encouraging words and just realizing how loved I really am really helped this weekend go by much easier than expected . 

I cried my tears , I let myself be sad ,

But most importantly I allowed others to see my pain and was vulnerable which I think is the best way to heal ... Sharing your story is sometimes the best way to heal ... Not to gain sympathy or to be spiteful ... But to connect with others and maybe even help someone else by sharing your heartache and sadness ... 

Owing your story and your feelings is one of the most empowering things one can do ... Obviously I'm still going to have hard days and things aren't magically fixed , but I can say that I feel better and feel like I'm moving forward in so many ways . 

I've let go of some of the hurt and jealousy and resentment . I'm focusing on what makes me happy and what I need to feel complete ... I have such a great family and so many amazing and inspiring friends ....  I'm blessed and have so much to be happy about . 

So once again thank you for all your messages , hugs and prayers .... 

I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me .... And am a stronger better person because of my trials . 

I'm back :)

This week has brought up so many emotions for me . The combination of Mother's Day , and my ex getting remarried has kind of stirred up a lot in me . In ways I am surprised that I am feeling this way , I thought I was over that part and was feeling pretty good , but then something just triggered the tears and since then , they haven't stopped rolling. 

All of those out there that have experienced betrayal in any way know  what a roller coaster it is . I am in no way perfect and know that the demise of my marriage was not only one persons fault ... But the difference between a divorce because you no longer want to be with the other person , and a divorce fuled from infidelity is quite different . The hardest thing for me is not the fact that he has moved on , the hard part is who he has moved on with. Regardless of how many times I'm told "it wasn't about her " ... " I didn't leave you for her " ... 

How am I not supposed to feel that way when he has chosen her to marry?

I think another struggle is that I have yet to find anyone that has made me feel like "love " is possible again. So again it makes me feel wonder if it really is me , maybe I really am the person he says I was and will be alone forever . 

Another issue I struggle with is having to be at an event for the boys and having to see them together . I've been lucky enough not to have to do that yet ... But know that it's going to happen and just the thought of that sends me into a panic . Everytime I have to hear her name or think about them together it's like a knife in my heart all over again... Unless you've delt with being cheated on , I don't know if I can describe the feeling. I've forgiven them both and it's not like I am angry ... I'm human , and what they did hurt me ... I am told that I need to get over it, it was over 2 years ago... She's a good person , my feelings are not his priority anymore ... And that hurts . Even though our marriage is over ,we still have to interact and be civil for the kids ... Their happiness is my top priority , and for that reason alone I know that I have to face this trial head on , but I'm scared , I'm annoyed , I feel cheated and I just wish things were different. 

I'm writing this not to bash them , or make people feel bad for me ... I just know that I find power in knowing that others have struggled through the same issues as me and feel like knowing that really inspires me to keep going. I'm not the first person not sadly the last that will have to live this same story ... And by talking about it , hopefully , we can find peace and support knowing that we are not alone . We are enough , and we will survive . 

The quote above explains the way I feel so perfectly ... I have so much fear of repeating my past and getting hurt again. I'm afraid of marriage in ways and wonder if I'll ever trust someone enough to do it again. 

I think that's why this wedding has been so hard on me ... Knowing that our divorce did not make him afraid of commitment , and knowing that he loves her enough to marry her , in ways hurts more than I thought . In ways I'm  jealous , in ways I'm skeptical , but at the end of the day , it's none of my business . as long as my children are happy and treated kindly , that's all I can control. 

Someday my prince will come and everything I'm feeling will make sense . But until then , I'll just continue to laugh through the pain ...... 

Hug the ones you love . 

Cherish your partners .

Forgiveness , trust and compassion is key .... 

There's something good in everyday 

Trust in the Lord .

Cry if you need to 

Laugh as much as you can 

And don't forget this you're never alone . 

Xoxoxo 

You can all comment now :)

After quite a few people said they were unable to post comments , I did some research and changed my settings so now anyone can leave some love :) Please keep it positive , share your story , give advice , whatever you feel ... Thanks for all your support ! 😘😘😘

You can do anything . But not everything .

As I lay here with a heating pad on my stupid ovarian cyst , I can't help but think about my day tomorrow and all I need to accomplish . I really don't have the time to be dealing with this pain right now . 

I , like everyone , have big plans for my future . I want to be able to support my children and be able to give them everything they need and deserve . Like I've said before , this was never my plan ... I never thought I would be 28 and single with 3 kids , trying to make it all work . I am so inspired by all those that work hard to support a family . I have so much more respect for men and the responsibility they carry to make the money to provide for their families . I've done both roles , I've stayed home all day with the kids and that was hard . And now working and still trying to be an invested parent is hard. I have to rely a lot on the babysitter and my parents to help fill the voids. 

I'm trying my hardest to be more disciplined and create structure for the boys and myself .... I struggle with the thought of finding the time and energy to go back to school. I know I need to make a change to improve my financial situation , I just don't know how people do it all ! But then I ran across this quote

All I can do is set realistic goals and try my best. I know I have friends and family that support me and want what's best for my family and I just need to have faith in myself that I can do it . 

I have received so many emails and texts from people who read my blog , so many unfortunately are going though my same situation and it breaks my heart. I wouldn't wish this on anyone , but hopefully this helps us all look at what we do have and cherish it . Marriages are ending everywhere I turn , quitting seems to be the answer to so many and I just wish that wasn't the case. Marriage is worth the effort . Your kids are worth the effort it takes to change and the time it takes to work on your relationship. No one is perfect , some relationships are easier in ways than others , but at the end of the day we all want the same things , to love and to be loved in return . Raising young children is challenging , your wife is going to skip a shower because she spent her whole day with the kids and meeting their needs first . Your husband is going to bring stress home from work and want to relax , the financial responsibility is a big load to carry. We may find other people outside of our marriage that seem to "get us" or fill the voids in our lives , but I promise that if you would just honestly communicate those needs to your spouse, they will listen and feel relived and probably share the same feelings. 

I promise , the hardest marriage can work if two people are willing to work on it . Love is a verb , you have to actively show your partner that you're in love with them . I did not do that in my marriage , we both assumed the other knew how we felt and it caused us to feel that it was a relationship that we couldn't be in anymore . I would do anything to turn back time and change it all. The last thing I wanted for my children is a broken home . It breaks my heart that they have to split their lives in two ... But that is the life we have created for them . I now can't stay home and raise them , I have to work to provide and I have to go days without seeing them , all because we were not dedicated enough to making our marriage work . 

I cannot control what Matt chose or chooses to do anymore . I can only try and create a heathy co-parenting relationship and try to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them . I have learned to not hold back . When I love  you , you'll know it. Even if it's not reciprocated in the way I would like , I'm not doing it for the return . I love showing people  how much they mean to me , and one day , I'll find the guy who feels that way about me . But until then , I will continue to love the life I have and never settle for less than I deserve . I will work hard to be the best mom I can be and never give up. Although my marriage ended , I still believe in it. I believe that the world we live in today has made it easy to quit and feel like we can find better . Trust me , the grass is only green where you water it . 

I hope that all of you that read this can take something away from this and know that no matter what you can DO ANYTHING just not EVERYTHING :) ask for help , communicate , and give yourself credit. We are all fighting different battles , let's help each other instead of hurt. Xoxoxo Whit 

Stronger

So to be completely honest , today has been a hard day. Finding out your ex husband is engaged isn't the way I like to start my day ( or year ) ... But it is what it is. Happy or not , all that matters are my kids and their happiness . I never want them to have to go through another divorce and I just want them to have the best possible future.

All breakups are hard , regardless of the situation ... It is a process and has different stages , no one talks about how to deal with divorce , or how to properly handle watching your ex get remarried . But what I do know that what im feeling is normal . It's normal to feel a little hurt and a little jealous . As happy as I am that he has found someone it's hard not to think "what does she have that I didn't ?" . I think another thing that makes it more difficult is that I am not in a relationship so it's easy to feel alone or that something must be wrong with me . 

But instead of dwelling and crying and getting upset , I am going to turn this negative into a positive and use this as a time to reflect , appreciate my life and just focus on the only thing I can control which is being the best mom I can be. My boys are my main priority and I am going to have to invest some time and effort into making myself someone that I think they will be proud of . I have so much to be thankful for and so many people who love me . 

I know that one day I will find the person that will make me want to get married again , but until then I will just continue building a life that I can feel confident in even if I go it alone . 

So as hard as the news was to swallow today , I am realizing how much stronger I am than I was a year ago, how much I have grown , and how much I still have to work on . 

I am a believer in you get what you give and I am going to continue to give it my all.... 2015 is going to be a year of personal growth and self improvement .... I'm excited to see the changes. I can do hard things .... Because every day I'm a little bit stronger! 

Resolutions

Even though it's not quite 2015.... I've decided to write down my goals and resolutions for the new year. Maybe by sharing with others it will help me commit to them long term ;) 

So here it goes ... My list of "improvements and goals for 2015"

1. Enroll in school

* I have made the decision to go back to school to persue my RN ... I am nervous but excited to be a student again and work toward a real career in medicine . I know I have what it takes .. Just hope I can find the time and stay balanced with work , school and the kids :) 

2. Drink more water

* I'm not going to say "lose weight " because that is too broad of a statement . I am just going to strive to be more healthy and I know one small thing I could start with is drinking more water . 

3. Cooking Dinner 

* I am guilty of picking up Little Caesars pizza on the way home from work or doing spaghetti or something else quick and easy when the boys are with me ... But I am going to make a goal to cook a REAL dinner at least 3 times a week .

4. Be better to ME 

* I would like to think I am a good friend , person and mother , but sometimes I put my feelings, emotions and well being last on the list. I am going to strive to take at least 30 min. of "Me time " a day... Whether o spend it in the tub relaxing , or exercising , or just watching my favorite show ... I am going to take a few minutes for myself to hopefully keep my sanity. Also I'm going to try and eliminate my negative "self talk " :) 

5. QUALITY TIME with each kid

* I am only one person which makes it very hard to give 3 kids each undivided attention when they are home ... I do try but I'm going to make a goal to do at least one "one on one " activity with each boy every month and at least 20 min of "their time " every day ... It will probably come down to a bedtime routine but I really want to work on that. 

So those are my 5 top goals and resolutions for 2015. It's going to be a great year full of new challenges and hopefully new rewards .... I am excited and ready for the journey!