This week has brought up so many emotions for me . The combination of Mother's Day , and my ex getting remarried has kind of stirred up a lot in me . In ways I am surprised that I am feeling this way , I thought I was over that part and was feeling pretty good , but then something just triggered the tears and since then , they haven't stopped rolling.
All of those out there that have experienced betrayal in any way know what a roller coaster it is . I am in no way perfect and know that the demise of my marriage was not only one persons fault ... But the difference between a divorce because you no longer want to be with the other person , and a divorce fuled from infidelity is quite different . The hardest thing for me is not the fact that he has moved on , the hard part is who he has moved on with. Regardless of how many times I'm told "it wasn't about her " ... " I didn't leave you for her " ...
How am I not supposed to feel that way when he has chosen her to marry?
I think another struggle is that I have yet to find anyone that has made me feel like "love " is possible again. So again it makes me feel wonder if it really is me , maybe I really am the person he says I was and will be alone forever .
Another issue I struggle with is having to be at an event for the boys and having to see them together . I've been lucky enough not to have to do that yet ... But know that it's going to happen and just the thought of that sends me into a panic . Everytime I have to hear her name or think about them together it's like a knife in my heart all over again... Unless you've delt with being cheated on , I don't know if I can describe the feeling. I've forgiven them both and it's not like I am angry ... I'm human , and what they did hurt me ... I am told that I need to get over it, it was over 2 years ago... She's a good person , my feelings are not his priority anymore ... And that hurts . Even though our marriage is over ,we still have to interact and be civil for the kids ... Their happiness is my top priority , and for that reason alone I know that I have to face this trial head on , but I'm scared , I'm annoyed , I feel cheated and I just wish things were different.
I'm writing this not to bash them , or make people feel bad for me ... I just know that I find power in knowing that others have struggled through the same issues as me and feel like knowing that really inspires me to keep going. I'm not the first person not sadly the last that will have to live this same story ... And by talking about it , hopefully , we can find peace and support knowing that we are not alone . We are enough , and we will survive .
The quote above explains the way I feel so perfectly ... I have so much fear of repeating my past and getting hurt again. I'm afraid of marriage in ways and wonder if I'll ever trust someone enough to do it again.
I think that's why this wedding has been so hard on me ... Knowing that our divorce did not make him afraid of commitment , and knowing that he loves her enough to marry her , in ways hurts more than I thought . In ways I'm jealous , in ways I'm skeptical , but at the end of the day , it's none of my business . as long as my children are happy and treated kindly , that's all I can control.
Someday my prince will come and everything I'm feeling will make sense . But until then , I'll just continue to laugh through the pain ......
Hug the ones you love .
Cherish your partners .
Forgiveness , trust and compassion is key ....
There's something good in everyday
Trust in the Lord .
Cry if you need to
Laugh as much as you can
And don't forget this you're never alone .
Xoxoxo
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