Bad day

You know those days at work when you're so overwhelmed that a single tear runs down your cheek , but then you realize you have no time to cry ( or take a drink , or pee or even sit ) ..... Well that was my day today. 

 So as I come home to my 3 wonderful children , fighting , crying pouting and whining , I about lost it . 

While driving to get dinner ( yes we had McDonalds ) Hunter was upset and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. All I heard was "you're mean , you're not the boss , just take me to my dads , blah blah blah " .... I tried explaining to him that if he didn't explain to me why he was upset then I couldn't fix the problem .... I told him it's like his teacher setting down a test with no questions and just expecting him to know all the answers . Well I guess that clicked and he finally explained his very 8 year old issues to me . We talked about solutions and he seemed to be better .... We did our daily routine of asking how his day was and what they did at school ... Everyone have their answers ... But not one of them asked me how my day was . 

I know what you're thinking ... They are 3,7 and 8 years old ... Why would they ? And usually I would think the same thing , but I decided to use this as a teaching opportunity . 

Sometimes I think people nowadays are so consumed with their own issues and their own problems that they fail to notice others in need . As I busted my butt all day today trying to keep my Doctor on time , trying to keep the patients wait short and yet not slack on their care ... I was mainly met with less than friendly attitudes and annoyed people . I kept my smile on my face and literally had sweat on my forehead , but NOT one of them noticed ... Not one patient appreciated ( well expressed it ) how hard I was trying even as I explained that we were short staffed and I was trying my hardest to make their visit worthwhile . It's so hard to work in a customer service based field because in all honesty ... Your service is always expected , but not appreciated . 

But all that aside ... I know those days happen TO EVERYONE !!! But what I find most difficult to deal with , is when I come home after a day like that ... I don't have anyone to give me a hug ... Let me sit on the couch and cry ... All I have is my boys , and they just don't get it . 

I could be let it stay that way , allowing them to stay focused on themselves and their iPads and toys,  but instead we sat down and takes about it . I told them how important it is to be sensitive to others feelings ... To check on eachother and always try and be kind ... I told them how much it would mean to me if they would simply ask how my day was . I told them that they are the men in my life ... My partners ... My room mates and my friends ... And sometimes moms need hugs and loves too. We talked about how it feels to be sad and have a bad day and what makes each of us feel appreciated and loved . Men / boys especially need to sometimes be taught how to be more empathetic and how to be more sensitive to women's feelings so that's my goal as their mom ... soooo all in all It was a great talk and that was enough to turn my day around . 

Not even 10 min later as we were doing some homework  , Hunter said ... Hey mom , how was your day? 

Tears filled my eyes and all I could do was hug him and cry. I told him that it wasn't a very good one , but that by him asking he had made it so much better . 

We didn't get into the details , he didn't let me sit and cry and the couch while he put the other kids to bed like a husband probably would , but he did make me feel special and made me feel like someone cared about me . 

For all those of you who have a spouse , partner, Roommate  or anyone that is there to greet you when you get home ... Try a little harder to listen to them ... Appreciate their hard work and the fact that you have someone to come home to . It's almost been 3 years since I've had that ... And I'll admit that's what I miss most . But hopefully after tonight I've taught my boys a lesson in compassion and empathy , and feel much more blessed to have what I do have. I am so grateful for tomorrow's and for the gift of motherhood ... It teaches me so much . So even as I sit here in the tub listening to the two boys fight  while Kole is literally swimming next to me ... I felt heard and appreciated even for a small second today , and for me ... That's a good day :) I always try to remember that I'm so lucky to GET to do this !!!!! ... Goodnight 

P.S. Just a suggestion ... Next time you're waiting at the doctors office , and your MA looks like she's been running her butt off ( not only because she has a headband on and crazy hair ) ... Don't just assume she's been sitting on her butt looking at Facebook , making you wait .... Perhaps she's listening to a patient with dementia tell their life story because no one else would listen . Or maybe she's trying to translate what her Spanish speaking patient is trying to say ... Or answering 10000 questions to a concerned mother of a child or a wife concerned about her husband with cancer . Whatever it may be , as long as they show you respect and try their hardest to make YOU feel heard as well , maybe give them a smile or a kind word... Like my wise friend / coworker said today ... "One Atta-boy trumps a thousand Oh Shits " 

Connections

I'm learning to accept that people come into your life for either a time , a reason or a season..... Not everyone stays , not everyone values the relationship as much as you do ... And not everyone means what they say . 

BUT ... Like the quote says , REAL connections live on forever .You can't control who or what you connect with , who you love or how they feel about you .  So as tempting as it is sometimes to miss someone or the relationship you had , remember why it ended in the first place . Even though the memories are vivid and they make you laugh ... It's not them you miss , but the way they made you feel. The way they made you feel secure for the first time in forever , the way they knew your heart like no one had ... It's not them ... It's not him ... It's the you that you were with him that you're craving . 

I don't know why we have to get pieces of what we want .. Almost like a taste and then have it taken away ... It's hard to imagine that you'll ever taste that again , it's hard to convince yourself that it will happen again in this lifetime ,but I hope it does because I think I can't stand living this way forever . I now know that it's possible to have someone complete you ... To have someone you care so much about that you would do anything to make them happy . I know that's real ... And in my case it's gone and it breaks my heart .... 

I can't look back , it's never going to work ... Just needed to write down my heart and burn the pages .. 

I know everytime I see or think of him those feelings will return , but I'm hoping that soon it will just be a pleasant memory and leave me with a smile on my face instead of a tear on my cheek . 

So now I say goodbye to the illusion of what could've been and say hello to a future with no you . Someone's going to love me again ... Someday .