We are all broken , that's how the light gets in " - Earnest Hemingway

 Life has thrown quite a few curve balls lately . Things that have had me questioning my faith , my purpose and my past. There were many nights I wished there wouldn't be a morning. Many days I wish would end long before they were supposed to . More tears were shed in the privacy of my own room , then in the presence of my loved ones. So much heartache was hidden from sight , hidden from my family and friends and kept locked up tight in a secret place that I was even afraid to go. For those of you that know my story and my life I'm sure you think I'm talking about my divorce , but thats not the case. My battle with depression started long before that . In fact , I believe my depression was one of the main causes of my divorce .
 I still remember filling out the "depression"  questioner at the doctors office at 15 years old. Its a moment I will never forget . I watched myself check every box. I watched as the doctor added them up and I got a perfect score , not really a test I had hoped to ace, but that was the reality . She looked up at me and my mom with a look of pity in her eyes and I instantly burst into tears. I had no idea why I felt this way , I had everything to be happy about , I was loved , I was taken care of . I had a happy home , friends , hobbies ... I had it all , but sadly my brain saw it differently .
Life obviously wasn't picture perfect . We had my elderly grandparents living with us at the time. My Grandma required a lot of my moms time and attention . I loved having them there and have so much respect for my parents for stepping up and taking that on especially with my dads poor health and 4 busy children to also care for . But I will admit that I was bitter and overwhelmed at times . Our home wasn't like my friends , I was sometimes embarrassed , sometimes wishing it was different. why couldnt we be like everyone else? Looking back now I realize how blessed I was and what an amazing opportunity it was to have them in our home. I was shown what true unconditional love and sacrifice looked like. I was shown the reality of getting older and the I believe it was because of this that I chose to go into the medical field later in life. But in my 15 year old mind... I just couldn't handle it .

Lets rewind a few years...


 I have always been a pleaser... I even won 'biggest brown noser" in 7th grade. I was the girl who stayed in at recess to help my teacher, the annoying kid who walked around with the recess duty .. I didnt like to break the rules , I hated conflict... all I wanted was to be "good" . I wanted to make my parents , grandparents and aunts and uncles  proud. I loved the feeling when I received praise , I loved the attention , I loved feeling proud. I was happy , I was loved and I had no idea what my future would hold , but I was sure that it was going to be magical.
 I was the girl like many that grew up believing I was a real princess . I was magic , animals could talk   I was going to find a prince and a castle and life would be sunshine and rainbows. I was confident and did well in school. I had friends and felt like I was accepted . I feel like my sense of " reality "was as it should be for a child.
 My first taste of the other side of life was when my best friend Kasies brother died. She called me to tell me and I remember saying " your lying" ... she started crying and thats when I felt my stomach drop. It was real , and my little 10 year old mind just couldn't understand it. I felt so GUILTY that I didnt believe her and that I questioned her about it. I was heartbroken and remember vividly crying in my room with my dad and just couldn't get over the fact that I did that. It wasn't so much about the fact that he had passed but more about the way I had made my friend feel. I know that I didnt go to school the next day , and felt "off" for quite a while . When Kasie returned to school we were in the library practicing for a musical performance and I guess she locked her knees and fainted . Everyone gathered around her and I lost it... I thought she died. I was hysterical . She of course woke up and was ok but I will never forget that feeling .  I tell this story because I truly believe that death changes people . Its a turning point in life, and although I didnt know her brother well , it was still my first experience with it and it obviously had an impact on me.
 I talk about it because its an experience that is an example of how I would deal with hard things in life. I obviously felt guilt ,I felt her pain and took it on myself.  I internalized my sadness and I somehow thought I was a bad person for not believing her when she told me that he had died. I know that sounds silly , but I find it interesting that even as I type this , I still feel bad and it hurts my heart that it happened.
 Fast forward a year and my Grandparents leave for a mission. My Aunt that lived with them had a very hard time and had trials in her own life that caused her to experience her own battle with depression . The medications she was put on did not mix well and she was very ill. It was scary ... I learned a lot about my family , our history and it was the first time I saw DEPRESSION or even heard about it . We ended up moving in with her , I started Jr High and like every other teenage girl experienced my first bouts of drama with friends , the need to want to fit in and be liked. The competition , the clicks , all of it. ...for my little brown noser , people pleasing heart , it was a hard few years .
 We ended up moving so that we could then care for my moms parents . It was  hard watching my Grandma slowly decline and she ended up passing 3 years later. That was my second experience with death and another turning point in my life. I honestly remember feeling so much resentment and almost anger. It wasn't fair, I watched my poor mothers heart break , my Grandpas light go out and we were all missing a person that meant the world to us. I think this coupled with the "drama" in my dumb teenage life just pushed me over the edge.
 So this takes us back to the doctors office and the "depression test" . I was suicidal , I felt hopeless and I honestly didnt see the point. The doctor prescribed a medication and that was that.
I didnt do well on the meds unfortunately but was able to see a really great therapist. I can still remember laying on the floor in her office petting her golden retriever . I loved being able to talk to her and feel no judgment . I loved that my thoughts and my feelings didnt affect her and that she was simply there to listen and help me process my emotions. I will forever be grateful for Barbra, she taught me some great coping skills and honestly saved my life .
 I tell that story because again it is an example of how I was always worried about my feelings affecting others , I would rather keep it all inside then hurt someones feelings or create conflict .
So life , as it always does, continued on .... we lost my sweet Grandpa a year later . I was happy that he was where he wanted to be , with my Grandma in heaven.
My dad during all of this had had many health problems and was diagnosed with Lupus. His kidney ended up failing and it was a very scary time. He was so sick. My immature 16 year old self of couse was consumed with my own life an friends etc that I didnt really SEE how scary and how close to death he really was. When it came time for him to get a kidney transplant my Uncle Bill ( his big brother ) was a match and was able to donate his kidney to him, Words cannot describe the gift that Bill gave us. He literally saved my fathers life . He gave us our dad back ...
 During all this craziness , I had decided to switch High Schools, that in itself was hard , I think I hid in the bathroom at lunch the first few days... but I made new friends and refound my love for school . I was thriving in my new environment . I made goals for my future and had a plan. I graduated , went on lots of adventures , and I was happy .
 I like almost every other girl in Utah , felt like I was ready for marriage ... when I met Matt I fell in love with him. We were instant friends and he possessed every quality I was looking for . We were opposite in a lot of ways , but I knew he would be an amazing provider and father . We shared the goal getting married in the temple and he came from a great family . In my 18 year old head , I had made it.
 Our marriage didnt start out great . Past guilt and depression snuck in , the excitement perhaps wore off and I was realizing that I wasn't happy WITH MYSLEF . It was easy to blame Matt , I wanted to leave ... in fact I did. I can only imagine how badly that hurt him. This depressed girl wasn't the one he fell in love with and wanted to marry . I went back to therapy , blamed the breakdown on birth control and we moved on. I enrolled in school and worked ... we stayed busy and continued "living the dream". I honesty feel like I shut down any doubt I had , we put our heads down and moved forward . We had mad a commitment and we were going to make it work . we became parents and our kids became our whole world. The relationship had obviously never been strong , but we worked together well as parents and our love for our boys felt like enough.
 I realize now that I had quit progressing as a person . I was not a priority , my children were . I didnt work on myself , I didnt work on my marriage . I simply was focused on surviving the day . Matt put up with a lot . I stopped caring , gained weight , stopped getting ready . I was in a depressed state and it almost just became normal to me . Things happened , our marriage ended after 8 years an again I found myself in the doctors office getting a perfect score on that damn test.
That first year alone were some of the hardest times of my life . I had never felt so broken . I know that if it weren't for my children I wouldn't have survived it. It was because of them that I got up each day , I went back to work , made so many new friends and slowly started to see me be me again. I was only getting better because I was finally making me a priority again , even if it was forced it was still happening . Dating made me care about my appearance , I had to start analyzing what I wanted in another person , which meant I had to analyze myself . I saw my flaws, I wanted to fix them. Its been over 4 years now and I'm finally feeling like Im making some progress.
 Death has recently felt like a constant thing in my life . Losing my beloved Grandma and Uncle Bill really has shaken me and left me asking WHY .
 But I now see , that without the heartache , we wouldn't know joy and without the cracks the light couldn't get in.
 I have lots of work to do , but I am grateful for the power of hindsight and the way we are able to use our past to change our future. I am excited and re-inspired to do what I love . I hope that by sharing my stories , I can help others . Even if it just makes you feel better about yourself . We all have our trials ... but I have found that laughing is the best medicine and happy girls are the prettiest . You take the good along with the bad and Im lucky to have loved people so much that my heart can break when they're gone . Death changes people , it is obvious in my life , but I know this isn't the end and I will see them again. I challenge you to maybe take a look at your own life and see what your " pivotal" moments were . Challenge yourself to see your patterns and your habits . Progression is the only way to gain happiness ... its only up from here . Thank you for taking the time to read this . More to come .