Bad day

You know those days at work when you're so overwhelmed that a single tear runs down your cheek , but then you realize you have no time to cry ( or take a drink , or pee or even sit ) ..... Well that was my day today. 

 So as I come home to my 3 wonderful children , fighting , crying pouting and whining , I about lost it . 

While driving to get dinner ( yes we had McDonalds ) Hunter was upset and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. All I heard was "you're mean , you're not the boss , just take me to my dads , blah blah blah " .... I tried explaining to him that if he didn't explain to me why he was upset then I couldn't fix the problem .... I told him it's like his teacher setting down a test with no questions and just expecting him to know all the answers . Well I guess that clicked and he finally explained his very 8 year old issues to me . We talked about solutions and he seemed to be better .... We did our daily routine of asking how his day was and what they did at school ... Everyone have their answers ... But not one of them asked me how my day was . 

I know what you're thinking ... They are 3,7 and 8 years old ... Why would they ? And usually I would think the same thing , but I decided to use this as a teaching opportunity . 

Sometimes I think people nowadays are so consumed with their own issues and their own problems that they fail to notice others in need . As I busted my butt all day today trying to keep my Doctor on time , trying to keep the patients wait short and yet not slack on their care ... I was mainly met with less than friendly attitudes and annoyed people . I kept my smile on my face and literally had sweat on my forehead , but NOT one of them noticed ... Not one patient appreciated ( well expressed it ) how hard I was trying even as I explained that we were short staffed and I was trying my hardest to make their visit worthwhile . It's so hard to work in a customer service based field because in all honesty ... Your service is always expected , but not appreciated . 

But all that aside ... I know those days happen TO EVERYONE !!! But what I find most difficult to deal with , is when I come home after a day like that ... I don't have anyone to give me a hug ... Let me sit on the couch and cry ... All I have is my boys , and they just don't get it . 

I could be let it stay that way , allowing them to stay focused on themselves and their iPads and toys,  but instead we sat down and takes about it . I told them how important it is to be sensitive to others feelings ... To check on eachother and always try and be kind ... I told them how much it would mean to me if they would simply ask how my day was . I told them that they are the men in my life ... My partners ... My room mates and my friends ... And sometimes moms need hugs and loves too. We talked about how it feels to be sad and have a bad day and what makes each of us feel appreciated and loved . Men / boys especially need to sometimes be taught how to be more empathetic and how to be more sensitive to women's feelings so that's my goal as their mom ... soooo all in all It was a great talk and that was enough to turn my day around . 

Not even 10 min later as we were doing some homework  , Hunter said ... Hey mom , how was your day? 

Tears filled my eyes and all I could do was hug him and cry. I told him that it wasn't a very good one , but that by him asking he had made it so much better . 

We didn't get into the details , he didn't let me sit and cry and the couch while he put the other kids to bed like a husband probably would , but he did make me feel special and made me feel like someone cared about me . 

For all those of you who have a spouse , partner, Roommate  or anyone that is there to greet you when you get home ... Try a little harder to listen to them ... Appreciate their hard work and the fact that you have someone to come home to . It's almost been 3 years since I've had that ... And I'll admit that's what I miss most . But hopefully after tonight I've taught my boys a lesson in compassion and empathy , and feel much more blessed to have what I do have. I am so grateful for tomorrow's and for the gift of motherhood ... It teaches me so much . So even as I sit here in the tub listening to the two boys fight  while Kole is literally swimming next to me ... I felt heard and appreciated even for a small second today , and for me ... That's a good day :) I always try to remember that I'm so lucky to GET to do this !!!!! ... Goodnight 

P.S. Just a suggestion ... Next time you're waiting at the doctors office , and your MA looks like she's been running her butt off ( not only because she has a headband on and crazy hair ) ... Don't just assume she's been sitting on her butt looking at Facebook , making you wait .... Perhaps she's listening to a patient with dementia tell their life story because no one else would listen . Or maybe she's trying to translate what her Spanish speaking patient is trying to say ... Or answering 10000 questions to a concerned mother of a child or a wife concerned about her husband with cancer . Whatever it may be , as long as they show you respect and try their hardest to make YOU feel heard as well , maybe give them a smile or a kind word... Like my wise friend / coworker said today ... "One Atta-boy trumps a thousand Oh Shits " 

Connections

I'm learning to accept that people come into your life for either a time , a reason or a season..... Not everyone stays , not everyone values the relationship as much as you do ... And not everyone means what they say . 

BUT ... Like the quote says , REAL connections live on forever .You can't control who or what you connect with , who you love or how they feel about you .  So as tempting as it is sometimes to miss someone or the relationship you had , remember why it ended in the first place . Even though the memories are vivid and they make you laugh ... It's not them you miss , but the way they made you feel. The way they made you feel secure for the first time in forever , the way they knew your heart like no one had ... It's not them ... It's not him ... It's the you that you were with him that you're craving . 

I don't know why we have to get pieces of what we want .. Almost like a taste and then have it taken away ... It's hard to imagine that you'll ever taste that again , it's hard to convince yourself that it will happen again in this lifetime ,but I hope it does because I think I can't stand living this way forever . I now know that it's possible to have someone complete you ... To have someone you care so much about that you would do anything to make them happy . I know that's real ... And in my case it's gone and it breaks my heart .... 

I can't look back , it's never going to work ... Just needed to write down my heart and burn the pages .. 

I know everytime I see or think of him those feelings will return , but I'm hoping that soon it will just be a pleasant memory and leave me with a smile on my face instead of a tear on my cheek . 

So now I say goodbye to the illusion of what could've been and say hello to a future with no you . Someone's going to love me again ... Someday . 

"My Denmark"

 

A friend told me a story tonight that was told to her a few years ago during a difficult time in her life by her Stake President .... I'm going to try and paraphrase it the best I can . 

 " A woman had always dreamed of going to Paris ... Her whole life was spent planning , saving and researching all the best things about it. Finally she had saved enough to go and booked her flight . The next few weeks were then spent packing and preparing for her big trip. Nothing could go wrong .,. She had thought and planned out everything perfectly . 

When her fight landed and she was making her way through the airport she realized that somehow she wasn't in Paris at all but rather in Denmark . Her heart was broken ... How could this happen !!! This wasn't the Paris trip she had been dreaming of . She tried to find flights to Paris but had no luck ... She was stuck in Denmark . She shed her tears and reluctantly found a room for the week .

The next day as she was walking around town , she started to realize all the beautiful things Denmark had to offer .. The windmills , the tulips , the history all surrounding her ... It was beautiful . It wasn't her Paris ... It wasn't what she had always dreamed and planned for ... But it was now her Denmark .  

She decided to make the most of her situation and learned to love where she was and not dwell on what she missed out on and ended up having a wonderful vacation .

This story was a metaphor for a woman who had longed to be a mother for years and years and once she became pregnant she leaned that her child would be severely handicapped . Being a mother was her Paris ... But being a mother to a special needs child was her Denmark.... Not exactly what she had planned , but beautiful and meant to be . 

 I know so many of us can relate to this story . We all have things that didn't go as planned ... But as we look back at it , aren't we better because of it? 

As hard as it has been to have my marriage end ... I have found "My Denmark " . I'm learning to see the beauty in the trial and see the changes it has provoked in me . My heart has never hurt so much but in ways I have never felt such joy . 

 As parents we watch our children suffer with physical problems , addiction , bullying , mental problems or some even death...While some people have the trial of infertility . We all have struggles .. Just in different ways . 

I hope this story touched you the way it did to me ... Try seeing the beauty in your surroundings even if they aren't ideal . There's always a lesson behind every trial ... Let us all be a little kinder , love a little more and judge a little less . So grateful for my friend for following the prompting  she had to tell me that story .. It will stay with me forever and has opened my eyes to the beauty in front of me ... It may not be Paris ... But I ❤️ my Demark!

 

Fear

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself " FDR 

Well many of us probably don't feel that way .... I know that I fear more than just fear itself . 

I have had so much on my mind lately ... This whole "happiness project " has led me down a path of self realization and has brought so many things to my attention . One of the things that surprised me most was when I was thinking about what was holding me back from achieving certain goals or stopping me from progressing was actually FEAR. 

I'm afraid to fail again ... I'm afraid to get hurt ... I'm afraid to be rejected and I'm afraid of the unknown ... 

For me this was such a huge eye opener . I had convinced myself that I just wasn't ready for things or the right opportunity had not come along ... The timing was off or I just wasn't interested but what it really boiled down to was fear . 

I decided to reach out to family , friends and co workers to see what their fears were .. Some responded with things like 

*spiders 

*heights 

*yucky food 

*snakes 

*sharks 

*earthquakes 

 While others said 

*the death of a loved one 

*cancer 

*dying young 

*financial ruin 

*being alone

*business ventures 

*relatuonships  

*watching my children fail 

But the most common answer were 

*Failure & disappointing others 

I found that very interesting that so many of us are so afraid to Fail. What is failure and who determines if you do ? 

Is it society ? Religion ? Our peers and loved ones ? 

I know that the opinion of my family and friends mean a lot to me ... Disappointing them is one of my biggest fears ... But what I find funny about that statement is what would I really have to do to fail them ? What would I have to do to truly disappoint them ? 

Fear is not what I want directing my path ... So I am challenging my fears and taking a closer look as to why I actually feel that way and what I'm actually trying to avoid . 

Someone is not going to come along and  take all the worry away ... No one can change the way I think and feel but myself . I'm taking the power away from my fear and really focusing on facing the problems head on .... Not sure how successful I will be and there's even potential for failure ... But one thing I can say for sure is that all of my "failures " have taught me something and all of the disappointments and my bad choices have made me a more forgiving and humble person . My family has never left my side and I've never felt closer to my friends ... So maybe FDR was right ... Maybe The only thing to fear is fear itself ... 

I'm making efforts to be a happier better version of myself and plan to not let fear stop that . Wish me luck ... It's going to be a long road .... But it's worth the time and I need the exercise ;)  

Some things never change

I have this very vivid memory of when I was probably around 8 or so , we had just went as a family to the West Point Carnival . Apparently we as kids were not very nice , we probably cried , whined and threw a fit ... But whatever it was it made my dad very very mad which was pretty hard to do .  I remember us all getting sent to our rooms ( even my mom got grounded ) . I know that night I wrote in my journal "my dad is mad at us for being bad at the park . We are all in our rooms , even mom... I hope he won't be mad tomorrow ." 

 Well history is repeating itself . All the boys are in their rooms and I'm in time out as well . I think the lack of sleep from working all night has led me to have even less patience than normal ... I'm sick of the arguing , the wrestling , the fighting and the whining . 

So here I sit .. Eating cold pizza and writing down my feelings just like I did when I was 8. I guess some things never change . 

As I reflect on things it's kind of interesting to me how true it is that we are all just" made the way we are " I am still very similar to my 8 year old self ... As hard as I work on improving things about myself ... some attributes are just how I am and what make ME ... ME :) 

 I'm learning this more and more as the boys get older . They have all been raised basically the same way but all have such different ways of coping with stress , anger and what makes them happy . 

Knowing what makes you , you and what makes you tick is such an important thing. Self realization is hard but slowly through all my ups and downs Im figuring out who I am . 

So when you get a second , think back to how you delt with things when you were little ... What funny quirky things do you still do !?? Do your children do some of the same things you did ? It's funny , interesting and kinda crazy how we are all made . 

So the moral of this story is that I KNOW that I do not do well on little sleep ... I'm an overthinker and stress out about things that I can't change . I'm crazy and weird and love to laugh ... I'm a people pleaser and hate confrontation , a giver and trusting to a fault ... I'm impatient and impulsive but spontaneous and will do anything for laugh. Writing my feelings has always made me feel better and I honestly feel like I can survive the rest of the night now that I've done this :)  

Thankful that tomorrow is a new day , and for the power of cold pizza ;) 

Goodnight folks . 

On a lighter note ... How cute is Taggart with his missing front tooth 😍

I choose happy .

Laying here tonight with my boys l have so much to be happy about . Motherhood gives you a type of unconditional love that cannot be described . 

My middle child is very concerned about me being alone and always wants to know when I'm going to get married ... He brought that up again tonight ... Which got me thinking about what I really want in a future spouse ... Do I even want to get married again ? Will I ever fully be able to give my heart to someone ? As I pondered all these things I realized something . It's not my lack of confidence that I could give my whole self to someone or that I could be someone's wife again , but my doubt lies in the other person ... Will I ever find someone that can commit fully to me ? Just like the quote says , I just want someone who will never stop choosing me. 

Divorce leaves you feeling a lot of things ... And in my case I can't help but have in the back of my head that "he didn't want me enough " .... He found happiness with someone else and in the end , he didn't choose me . 

In reality I know that's not true , but the insecurity mixed with the vulnerability that comes with starting over can sometimes whisper those things in your ear . 

I remember the day when I finally knew my marriage was over . I knew that I had to stop trying ... The limbo of wondering if he would ever want me again was too much . As much as I wanted it to word the reality was that it wouldn't . I don't think it's fair to say that too much has happened to really repair the relationship but in ways it was true . Trust is a hard thing to build , and we had both felt we had lost that in eachother , not for the same reasons but in the end ... there cannot be a marriage without trust . 

I remember feeling at first that a weight has been lifted , a decision had been made ... I was going to move on with my life ... Find someone who loved me and the boys and start over . 

Well here I am almost 2 years later and still wishing the same thing. 

I will admit that this time has given me the opportunity to heal , to reflect and to grow ... I know I'm a stronger , better and more independent version of myself . I am proud of my journey and so blessed to have so many supporters. I am grateful for the pain because of it ,one  thing is for certain ... I will always choose happy:) 

Out of the Blue

And then... Out of the blue ... Pinterest shows you a quote that explains everything you feel & think. 

Dating in this day and age ( yes it's that much different from 10 years ago ) is all about instant gratification ... Judgement , void filling and rejection . I will admit that I have learned so much more about myslef  through "dating" ... I am more aware of my flaws , I am more guarded and selective with who I share things with . Trust has to be earned , not freely given . Not every guy is a "good" one ... People lie about their height ,weight , marital status and employment record ... They will say what you want to hear but not be sincere ... I know I'm not everyone's type and people will tell you that on the spot . They will kiss you and never call again , they will make promises they can't keep , break up over text , and ask for gifts back . 

What dating has done to me is make me skeptical , insecure , and in some ways bitter... It's made me think that I'll be alone forever and that I must be broken in some way ... But that isn't true. 

I didn't let my divorce make me give up on love and happiness  ... So Im not going to let my dating issues do that either .  

I've learned that PATIENCE is the key . Feeling that twitterpated feeling is such a high ... The fun of hearing compliments and getting attention distracts us from the "red flags" waving in front of our faces . We want to badly to be "accepted " and "validated " that we tend to let things that we would normally not like or agree with slide . We think we are being understanding and a good person because we are accepting that person for who they are and in turn they will do the same for us . But then , just like that . They will reject you based on one of your faults , or decide that you're just not a good match .... Leaving you broken hearted and with a complex that something must be wrong with you! Wine in reality .. That person just did you a favor. 

They didn't deserve you're love or what you had to offer ... Your strengths and attributes that make you a catch to one person are not what another person is looking for . It has nothing to do with your worth , only that they didn't see those things as that. 

I still can't understand how people can cheat or some easily give up before getting to really know someone , but what I do know is that that we cannot let these bad apples spoil the whole bunch . You can't be afraid to try and put yourself out there ... The best defense against getting with the "wrong one " is to be totally in tune with yourself . 

You have to know what you like , what you don't . What are your non negotiables. Why did your other relationships fail? What are your strengths , your weaknesses? Thoughts on commitment , issues with jealousy .. Availability to date , free time ... etc 

You cannot meet someone and start a healthy relationship if you cannot answer these questions .

So I may be one for a while as I am learning more about what makes me , me ... And as I learn what I want in a partner ... But that's ok , because when the time is right I'll be able to give my whole self to someone and they will appreciate that I know myslef and what I want . They might not completely LOVE everything about me ,but they love me completely for the person I am . 

My happiness project is all about self realization and working on being a better happier person ... I think it can only help and not hurt my future relationships... So I'll continue to be patient as I remain single ... But know that I am enough , and someday I'll find the man who compliments my life and adds to it in so many ways ..... 

There's too many toys in the tub

Well I guess it's clear to see that someone (Kole) likes baths just as much as his momma .... My "sanctuary" has been completely taken over by him . I think he takes about 3 baths a day and whenever I try to get in somehow he's naked and ready to jump in. 

Having 3 boys I don't have much to complain about ... They are not stealing clothes , playing in my makeup or whining about a bad hair day ... So I guess I'll count my blessings and share my tub. 

For now . 

Direction

 

Sometimes I find myself looking at others in my similar "single " situation and feel like many are getting their "happy" much much faster than I am . I sit and think about what I'm doing wrong not to deserve that ... But then I saw this quote ... As long as I have a goal and an headed in the right direction , the speed doesn't matter as much .. My time will come , and if I'm consistent and sure about my direction I will be less likely to hit a dead end and have to start over . 

Slow and steady wins the race .. So that's what I'm going to do :) 

I also need to say how lucky I am to have such an amazing loving and supportive family . This weekend was hard not having the boys ... They make it much easier to keep a smile on my face and keep me laughing ... I love that I am 100%myslef around them and know that I can count on them always. My mom is the most giving , selfless and loving person ... I am always on defense with her because I hate to disappoint her .. I just want to make her proud and hope I am . I appreciate all she does for me and the boys . We are lucky to have her . 

My dad is my hero , I look up to him and can't imagine life without him in it . He makes me laugh and always has the best advice ... 

My sister is amazing . She is beautiful , smart and makes me laugh harder than anyone else . We can read each other's minds and finish each others sentences . We are so alike but so different ... I feel so blessed to have her. 

My brothers are both loving, caring sweet and funny but don't tell them I said that . They both hate when I am lovey towards them .. But deep down I know they love me and are always there to help . 

All in all I have what most people would die to have ... A loving ,caring , supportive ,funny family . We truly love each other and hope it always stays that way . 

My kids are my life .. My world ... And my everything . Being without them is so hard .. But the time we are together and the memories we make hopefully makes up for the time we are apart . I hope they are as proud of me as I am of them ... They make me try harder and never give up. I hope to create the life they deserve and strive to teach them to be strong .. Smart and loving men . Being a mother is the best and hardest thing I've ever done , but am grateful for them because they keep me on the right path and help me make better choices . Someday I'll find someone who compliments out life , but until then ... The 4 of us are very happy :) we will just continue heading in the direction of our goals ... Slow and steady ... 

Choose Happiness

When talking to a friend one night I said ... " how do you do it? How do you not get upset at so and so .... I never hear you complain about them . "

They answered,  " I just choose not to let her ruin my day". 

As simple as that answer was it was so profound to me.  We choose to let people upset us , we give people the power to hurt us.  We have the choice to let the things people say affect our mood or we can choose to ignore it and overcome it by choosing happiness and inner peace.  

We cannot control what others do .. and it's frustrating to have to deal with the consequences of other people's poor choices , but we can't let THEIR issues and THEIR problems dictate the way we live.

I am the type of person that enjoys making others feel good about themselves  . I enjoy reaching out and telling people that I care. Whether its through a text or a little quote to let them know I'm thinking of them ... I just feel happy by hopefully causing this person to smile and feel better about themselves. BUT sometimes I get sad when no one does that for me .. or they don't respond or acknowledge what I said... I don't know if I was sad that it didn't make them "happy" , or was it deeper than that. 

When reading "The Happiness Project" I realized that we tend to do to others what WE think would make US happy . We use our love language to show how much we care because that's how WE feel loved ... so when that person doesn't respond or react the way we would if we would have received the gesture we get our feelings hurt.  

But in reality. ... it's not that they don't appreciate it , they just feel love and SHOW emotions differently

So a sappy love text isn't always going to equal a sappy love text in return. .. but we cannot assume that they don't care just because we don't get the response we want.

But what I found most interesting is realizing that although our intentions are good in wanting to make someone else happy. ... sometimes we are doing it to actually gain validation and in turn make ourselves happy.  

I know I am guilty of that.  Sometimes I say I miss you because I actually want to know that I'm being missed as well.... and then get my feelings hurt or feel insecure when the response I was "looking for " was not done . 

I realized that situations like that happened quite often and that was a big contributor to my sadness and insecurity which were keeping me from being HAPPY! So I had to change it... 

As part of my happiness project , I am not only working on not allowing other people's bad mood , bad attitude and hurtful words or actions bring me down . I am also going to work on not GIVING with the intention of RECEIVING.  I am not saying I'm always doing nice things to get nice things in return . But I am not going to let the lack of reciprocation cause me to be unhappy . 

 I'm Going to continue to stay true to myself and share my feelings.. but I'm going to do that without expecting or Needing a response to make me happy . 

Happiness comes from within and only I can really make or break my day.  It's much easier said than done. . But it's worth the effort!  

#whitshappinessproject 

What happens in Vegas ... follows you home and onto your blog

25 things I learned while on vacation in Vegas

* Good , honest people still exist , but less of those people are in Vegas
* Always bring 2 forms of ID and leave them in different spots .. one in a purse , one in your luggage or safe in room .. same with your cash
* Don't pack those cheap shoes .. not only did I have 2 pair of shoes break on me but my feet are still paying the price of walking in flip flops for hours ...ouch
* when selecting somewhere to eat . Pay attention to the kind of people coming out and going into the restaurant ... if they are all of the same ethnicity of the kind of food you're eating ... be prepared to have to order your food in that language ... in my case write your order in Chinese symbols and then have to wait for your food while the entire staff sits down for a family meal ....
* when your friend /Co traveler makes a bet that you can't go a whole week without posting anything on social media be prepared for lots of texts wondering if you are alive , there with a secret boyfriend , or worse have your phone stolen containing all photos from trip so you have no proof that the trip ever happened .... I guess what happened in Vegas really stayed in Vegas
* when dressing for a "pool party " ... do not assume that average swimsuit and flip flops will do... apparently high heels , body jewelry , and full on hair and makeup Is required ... also , bottled water will cost you $12 for a tiny mini bottle and there will be puke in the water fountain
* plus side to pool party is the realization that almost every woman has cellulite. .. and the ones you would think would be insecure are the ones shaking it for all to see ... embrace your body ... we all have faults .... but stay classy ( San Diego) haha
* thigh chaffing is real .. and it hurts ... bad
* be practical .. as hot as you look in those heels .. pack those flats ... walking barefoot is gross
* the art of communication is a lost one .... people under the age of 50 do not know how to carry on Conversations ...
* karaoke song selection is very important.  Sing a fun / audience participation song of you can't sing ... not a slow 2009 Taylor Swift song that you any have sang at your high school talent show. It kills the mood and makes for an awkward 3 minutes
* Be grateful for your own vehicle ... public transportation is annoying and lots of people stink.
* cab drivers are weird ... when a 50  year old white lady turns up a snoop dog song full blast and says "sorry ladies .. I'm from long beach and this is my jam... I went to school with snoop dog . Warren g and all those guys ".... I say ... I wanna see the yearbook and turn it down .. I have a headache and am car sick .
* Don't set your phone down even for 2 seconds ... someone will steal it .. and then throw it in a storm drain ... like I said the honest , good people are hard to find .
*however the cab driver the next day was very sweet helping me try and find it with the "find my iPhone app: ... even turned off the meter to help me look ... he kicked every bush and shook every tree even though the gps app showed it was under the road in the drain.
* It's a small world ... and you will run into someone you know ... always ....
* seeing a happy family playing in the pool is the best way to make you homesick and wish you had a good man in your life
* Dramamine works wonders but it may cause you to fall asleep with your mouth wide open ... embarrassing your friend as the flight attendant goes through offering drinks
* bus drivers are mean in Utah too
*write down where you parked in multiple places ... your phone containing that information may get stolen and thrown in a storm drain .
* peeing your pants from laughing is normal and hilarious
* your costa Vida gift card you got for Christmas may actually not have any money on it at all... so that "free welcome home meal " may not end up being free
* Bad luck may be real ... if it is , I had it on this trip
* Best Friends make bad luck trips not so bad .
* laughing at yourself is the only way to survive
*note to self ... NO MORE VEGAS....

My Happiness Projecct

Well... as nice as 6 days of vacation was , I have to admit that I'm happy to be home. I could go on and on about all the funny things that happened , all the cool things we saw and people we met . But I will save that all for another day ....
On the last night of our trip my phone was stolen ... I sat it down on the bathroom counter to help Brit fix her purse strap and when I went to grab it it was gone . The bathroom attendant lady didn't have it , security didn't have it ... I was freaking out. We all know that our lives are on our phones and I hated the thought of some stranger having access to my life. Luckily since it was an iPhone it had an access code and I was able to use some ladies phone to get on and mark it stolen .... when I used the location app the next morning it led me to a parking garage and a storm drain ... the person not being able to use it I guess decided to throw away the evidence ... I was so mad , so sad and so disappointed with myself and my irresponsibility.  I was also confronted with how much I relied on my phone and how lost I felt without it.
Let's just say that the rest of the day was spent replaying my poor decision over and over in my head ... the "why me" statement was muttered a few times ... I wasn't upset over just the phone but I think it triggered so many other issues I've been facing lately and without a phone to distract me from reality I was faced to be alone with my thoughts .
I decided to look around the airport for a book to read while we waited for our now delayed flight .... I couldn't bring myself to read a romantic novel ( the thought of love made we want to cry and barf at the same time ). I had no desire to read the gossip magazines... I just was having a pity party for myself ..poor me ... no phone ... no love in my life ... my vacation was over , I had broken two pair of shoes and spent way too much money ...
But somehow I managed to pick up this book called "The Happiness Project" ... it was exactly what I needed ... Brit And I had been discussing what would actually make us "happy" all week . Vacations only provide a temporary break from reality and I was not looking forward to returning to mine . Although I have so much to be happy about and generally like to think of myself as a happy person . I know that I'm not living up to my full potential or even enjoying the joys of everyday .
Tears started rolling with just the first few pages .... it was exactly what I needed ... I needed to start a Happiness Project!
With the recent passing of my sweet sister in law it put things into perspective for me ... we never know when our time here is done .. we need to be living each day to our fullest potential ... I needed to be a better mother , a better sister etc . I needed to start doing all the things I'd been procrastinating and live in the NOW !
As hard as it was to finish the book with 3 little boys constantly interrupting ... what did help was not having a phone ! Not only were there less distractions but I think it was nice for my kids to see a book in my hands rather than a phone . In fact at one point they were all reading as a well.  So I've officially finished and am now working on my resolutions to make my year of happiness begin. Part of this process is to document your progress , highs and lows , life lessons and so on
.. so what better way then to blog it on here . I'm so excited to be doing something positive with my life and love working on being a better person . It's not going to be easy . I have some major things /habits that I know I need to work on to become a better and happier person , but I was so Inspired by this book that I am willing to give my happiness my time and attention ... as selfish as it sounds she explains that  one of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy ... one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself .
My resolutions are aimed at making me a better more patient structured and present parent...
Finding out what my passions and hobbies are ,
Building my testimony and a solid foundation... becoming more independent and financially responsible and so on !
My Happiness Project starts July 1st.... so watch out world ... a new improved and happier Whitney is on her way!

Onward and upward ....

Well I just wanted to say how thankful I am for all the love an support so many of you have expressed through sweet messages these past few days ... Hearing so many encouraging words and just realizing how loved I really am really helped this weekend go by much easier than expected . 

I cried my tears , I let myself be sad ,

But most importantly I allowed others to see my pain and was vulnerable which I think is the best way to heal ... Sharing your story is sometimes the best way to heal ... Not to gain sympathy or to be spiteful ... But to connect with others and maybe even help someone else by sharing your heartache and sadness ... 

Owing your story and your feelings is one of the most empowering things one can do ... Obviously I'm still going to have hard days and things aren't magically fixed , but I can say that I feel better and feel like I'm moving forward in so many ways . 

I've let go of some of the hurt and jealousy and resentment . I'm focusing on what makes me happy and what I need to feel complete ... I have such a great family and so many amazing and inspiring friends ....  I'm blessed and have so much to be happy about . 

So once again thank you for all your messages , hugs and prayers .... 

I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me .... And am a stronger better person because of my trials . 

I'm back :)

This week has brought up so many emotions for me . The combination of Mother's Day , and my ex getting remarried has kind of stirred up a lot in me . In ways I am surprised that I am feeling this way , I thought I was over that part and was feeling pretty good , but then something just triggered the tears and since then , they haven't stopped rolling. 

All of those out there that have experienced betrayal in any way know  what a roller coaster it is . I am in no way perfect and know that the demise of my marriage was not only one persons fault ... But the difference between a divorce because you no longer want to be with the other person , and a divorce fuled from infidelity is quite different . The hardest thing for me is not the fact that he has moved on , the hard part is who he has moved on with. Regardless of how many times I'm told "it wasn't about her " ... " I didn't leave you for her " ... 

How am I not supposed to feel that way when he has chosen her to marry?

I think another struggle is that I have yet to find anyone that has made me feel like "love " is possible again. So again it makes me feel wonder if it really is me , maybe I really am the person he says I was and will be alone forever . 

Another issue I struggle with is having to be at an event for the boys and having to see them together . I've been lucky enough not to have to do that yet ... But know that it's going to happen and just the thought of that sends me into a panic . Everytime I have to hear her name or think about them together it's like a knife in my heart all over again... Unless you've delt with being cheated on , I don't know if I can describe the feeling. I've forgiven them both and it's not like I am angry ... I'm human , and what they did hurt me ... I am told that I need to get over it, it was over 2 years ago... She's a good person , my feelings are not his priority anymore ... And that hurts . Even though our marriage is over ,we still have to interact and be civil for the kids ... Their happiness is my top priority , and for that reason alone I know that I have to face this trial head on , but I'm scared , I'm annoyed , I feel cheated and I just wish things were different. 

I'm writing this not to bash them , or make people feel bad for me ... I just know that I find power in knowing that others have struggled through the same issues as me and feel like knowing that really inspires me to keep going. I'm not the first person not sadly the last that will have to live this same story ... And by talking about it , hopefully , we can find peace and support knowing that we are not alone . We are enough , and we will survive . 

The quote above explains the way I feel so perfectly ... I have so much fear of repeating my past and getting hurt again. I'm afraid of marriage in ways and wonder if I'll ever trust someone enough to do it again. 

I think that's why this wedding has been so hard on me ... Knowing that our divorce did not make him afraid of commitment , and knowing that he loves her enough to marry her , in ways hurts more than I thought . In ways I'm  jealous , in ways I'm skeptical , but at the end of the day , it's none of my business . as long as my children are happy and treated kindly , that's all I can control. 

Someday my prince will come and everything I'm feeling will make sense . But until then , I'll just continue to laugh through the pain ...... 

Hug the ones you love . 

Cherish your partners .

Forgiveness , trust and compassion is key .... 

There's something good in everyday 

Trust in the Lord .

Cry if you need to 

Laugh as much as you can 

And don't forget this you're never alone . 

Xoxoxo 

You can all comment now :)

After quite a few people said they were unable to post comments , I did some research and changed my settings so now anyone can leave some love :) Please keep it positive , share your story , give advice , whatever you feel ... Thanks for all your support ! 😘😘😘

You can do anything . But not everything .

As I lay here with a heating pad on my stupid ovarian cyst , I can't help but think about my day tomorrow and all I need to accomplish . I really don't have the time to be dealing with this pain right now . 

I , like everyone , have big plans for my future . I want to be able to support my children and be able to give them everything they need and deserve . Like I've said before , this was never my plan ... I never thought I would be 28 and single with 3 kids , trying to make it all work . I am so inspired by all those that work hard to support a family . I have so much more respect for men and the responsibility they carry to make the money to provide for their families . I've done both roles , I've stayed home all day with the kids and that was hard . And now working and still trying to be an invested parent is hard. I have to rely a lot on the babysitter and my parents to help fill the voids. 

I'm trying my hardest to be more disciplined and create structure for the boys and myself .... I struggle with the thought of finding the time and energy to go back to school. I know I need to make a change to improve my financial situation , I just don't know how people do it all ! But then I ran across this quote

All I can do is set realistic goals and try my best. I know I have friends and family that support me and want what's best for my family and I just need to have faith in myself that I can do it . 

I have received so many emails and texts from people who read my blog , so many unfortunately are going though my same situation and it breaks my heart. I wouldn't wish this on anyone , but hopefully this helps us all look at what we do have and cherish it . Marriages are ending everywhere I turn , quitting seems to be the answer to so many and I just wish that wasn't the case. Marriage is worth the effort . Your kids are worth the effort it takes to change and the time it takes to work on your relationship. No one is perfect , some relationships are easier in ways than others , but at the end of the day we all want the same things , to love and to be loved in return . Raising young children is challenging , your wife is going to skip a shower because she spent her whole day with the kids and meeting their needs first . Your husband is going to bring stress home from work and want to relax , the financial responsibility is a big load to carry. We may find other people outside of our marriage that seem to "get us" or fill the voids in our lives , but I promise that if you would just honestly communicate those needs to your spouse, they will listen and feel relived and probably share the same feelings. 

I promise , the hardest marriage can work if two people are willing to work on it . Love is a verb , you have to actively show your partner that you're in love with them . I did not do that in my marriage , we both assumed the other knew how we felt and it caused us to feel that it was a relationship that we couldn't be in anymore . I would do anything to turn back time and change it all. The last thing I wanted for my children is a broken home . It breaks my heart that they have to split their lives in two ... But that is the life we have created for them . I now can't stay home and raise them , I have to work to provide and I have to go days without seeing them , all because we were not dedicated enough to making our marriage work . 

I cannot control what Matt chose or chooses to do anymore . I can only try and create a heathy co-parenting relationship and try to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them . I have learned to not hold back . When I love  you , you'll know it. Even if it's not reciprocated in the way I would like , I'm not doing it for the return . I love showing people  how much they mean to me , and one day , I'll find the guy who feels that way about me . But until then , I will continue to love the life I have and never settle for less than I deserve . I will work hard to be the best mom I can be and never give up. Although my marriage ended , I still believe in it. I believe that the world we live in today has made it easy to quit and feel like we can find better . Trust me , the grass is only green where you water it . 

I hope that all of you that read this can take something away from this and know that no matter what you can DO ANYTHING just not EVERYTHING :) ask for help , communicate , and give yourself credit. We are all fighting different battles , let's help each other instead of hurt. Xoxoxo Whit 

Stronger

So to be completely honest , today has been a hard day. Finding out your ex husband is engaged isn't the way I like to start my day ( or year ) ... But it is what it is. Happy or not , all that matters are my kids and their happiness . I never want them to have to go through another divorce and I just want them to have the best possible future.

All breakups are hard , regardless of the situation ... It is a process and has different stages , no one talks about how to deal with divorce , or how to properly handle watching your ex get remarried . But what I do know that what im feeling is normal . It's normal to feel a little hurt and a little jealous . As happy as I am that he has found someone it's hard not to think "what does she have that I didn't ?" . I think another thing that makes it more difficult is that I am not in a relationship so it's easy to feel alone or that something must be wrong with me . 

But instead of dwelling and crying and getting upset , I am going to turn this negative into a positive and use this as a time to reflect , appreciate my life and just focus on the only thing I can control which is being the best mom I can be. My boys are my main priority and I am going to have to invest some time and effort into making myself someone that I think they will be proud of . I have so much to be thankful for and so many people who love me . 

I know that one day I will find the person that will make me want to get married again , but until then I will just continue building a life that I can feel confident in even if I go it alone . 

So as hard as the news was to swallow today , I am realizing how much stronger I am than I was a year ago, how much I have grown , and how much I still have to work on . 

I am a believer in you get what you give and I am going to continue to give it my all.... 2015 is going to be a year of personal growth and self improvement .... I'm excited to see the changes. I can do hard things .... Because every day I'm a little bit stronger!