"My Denmark"

 

A friend told me a story tonight that was told to her a few years ago during a difficult time in her life by her Stake President .... I'm going to try and paraphrase it the best I can . 

 " A woman had always dreamed of going to Paris ... Her whole life was spent planning , saving and researching all the best things about it. Finally she had saved enough to go and booked her flight . The next few weeks were then spent packing and preparing for her big trip. Nothing could go wrong .,. She had thought and planned out everything perfectly . 

When her fight landed and she was making her way through the airport she realized that somehow she wasn't in Paris at all but rather in Denmark . Her heart was broken ... How could this happen !!! This wasn't the Paris trip she had been dreaming of . She tried to find flights to Paris but had no luck ... She was stuck in Denmark . She shed her tears and reluctantly found a room for the week .

The next day as she was walking around town , she started to realize all the beautiful things Denmark had to offer .. The windmills , the tulips , the history all surrounding her ... It was beautiful . It wasn't her Paris ... It wasn't what she had always dreamed and planned for ... But it was now her Denmark .  

She decided to make the most of her situation and learned to love where she was and not dwell on what she missed out on and ended up having a wonderful vacation .

This story was a metaphor for a woman who had longed to be a mother for years and years and once she became pregnant she leaned that her child would be severely handicapped . Being a mother was her Paris ... But being a mother to a special needs child was her Denmark.... Not exactly what she had planned , but beautiful and meant to be . 

 I know so many of us can relate to this story . We all have things that didn't go as planned ... But as we look back at it , aren't we better because of it? 

As hard as it has been to have my marriage end ... I have found "My Denmark " . I'm learning to see the beauty in the trial and see the changes it has provoked in me . My heart has never hurt so much but in ways I have never felt such joy . 

 As parents we watch our children suffer with physical problems , addiction , bullying , mental problems or some even death...While some people have the trial of infertility . We all have struggles .. Just in different ways . 

I hope this story touched you the way it did to me ... Try seeing the beauty in your surroundings even if they aren't ideal . There's always a lesson behind every trial ... Let us all be a little kinder , love a little more and judge a little less . So grateful for my friend for following the prompting  she had to tell me that story .. It will stay with me forever and has opened my eyes to the beauty in front of me ... It may not be Paris ... But I ❤️ my Demark!

 

Fear

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself " FDR 

Well many of us probably don't feel that way .... I know that I fear more than just fear itself . 

I have had so much on my mind lately ... This whole "happiness project " has led me down a path of self realization and has brought so many things to my attention . One of the things that surprised me most was when I was thinking about what was holding me back from achieving certain goals or stopping me from progressing was actually FEAR. 

I'm afraid to fail again ... I'm afraid to get hurt ... I'm afraid to be rejected and I'm afraid of the unknown ... 

For me this was such a huge eye opener . I had convinced myself that I just wasn't ready for things or the right opportunity had not come along ... The timing was off or I just wasn't interested but what it really boiled down to was fear . 

I decided to reach out to family , friends and co workers to see what their fears were .. Some responded with things like 

*spiders 

*heights 

*yucky food 

*snakes 

*sharks 

*earthquakes 

 While others said 

*the death of a loved one 

*cancer 

*dying young 

*financial ruin 

*being alone

*business ventures 

*relatuonships  

*watching my children fail 

But the most common answer were 

*Failure & disappointing others 

I found that very interesting that so many of us are so afraid to Fail. What is failure and who determines if you do ? 

Is it society ? Religion ? Our peers and loved ones ? 

I know that the opinion of my family and friends mean a lot to me ... Disappointing them is one of my biggest fears ... But what I find funny about that statement is what would I really have to do to fail them ? What would I have to do to truly disappoint them ? 

Fear is not what I want directing my path ... So I am challenging my fears and taking a closer look as to why I actually feel that way and what I'm actually trying to avoid . 

Someone is not going to come along and  take all the worry away ... No one can change the way I think and feel but myself . I'm taking the power away from my fear and really focusing on facing the problems head on .... Not sure how successful I will be and there's even potential for failure ... But one thing I can say for sure is that all of my "failures " have taught me something and all of the disappointments and my bad choices have made me a more forgiving and humble person . My family has never left my side and I've never felt closer to my friends ... So maybe FDR was right ... Maybe The only thing to fear is fear itself ... 

I'm making efforts to be a happier better version of myself and plan to not let fear stop that . Wish me luck ... It's going to be a long road .... But it's worth the time and I need the exercise ;)  

Some things never change

I have this very vivid memory of when I was probably around 8 or so , we had just went as a family to the West Point Carnival . Apparently we as kids were not very nice , we probably cried , whined and threw a fit ... But whatever it was it made my dad very very mad which was pretty hard to do .  I remember us all getting sent to our rooms ( even my mom got grounded ) . I know that night I wrote in my journal "my dad is mad at us for being bad at the park . We are all in our rooms , even mom... I hope he won't be mad tomorrow ." 

 Well history is repeating itself . All the boys are in their rooms and I'm in time out as well . I think the lack of sleep from working all night has led me to have even less patience than normal ... I'm sick of the arguing , the wrestling , the fighting and the whining . 

So here I sit .. Eating cold pizza and writing down my feelings just like I did when I was 8. I guess some things never change . 

As I reflect on things it's kind of interesting to me how true it is that we are all just" made the way we are " I am still very similar to my 8 year old self ... As hard as I work on improving things about myself ... some attributes are just how I am and what make ME ... ME :) 

 I'm learning this more and more as the boys get older . They have all been raised basically the same way but all have such different ways of coping with stress , anger and what makes them happy . 

Knowing what makes you , you and what makes you tick is such an important thing. Self realization is hard but slowly through all my ups and downs Im figuring out who I am . 

So when you get a second , think back to how you delt with things when you were little ... What funny quirky things do you still do !?? Do your children do some of the same things you did ? It's funny , interesting and kinda crazy how we are all made . 

So the moral of this story is that I KNOW that I do not do well on little sleep ... I'm an overthinker and stress out about things that I can't change . I'm crazy and weird and love to laugh ... I'm a people pleaser and hate confrontation , a giver and trusting to a fault ... I'm impatient and impulsive but spontaneous and will do anything for laugh. Writing my feelings has always made me feel better and I honestly feel like I can survive the rest of the night now that I've done this :)  

Thankful that tomorrow is a new day , and for the power of cold pizza ;) 

Goodnight folks . 

On a lighter note ... How cute is Taggart with his missing front tooth 😍

I choose happy .

Laying here tonight with my boys l have so much to be happy about . Motherhood gives you a type of unconditional love that cannot be described . 

My middle child is very concerned about me being alone and always wants to know when I'm going to get married ... He brought that up again tonight ... Which got me thinking about what I really want in a future spouse ... Do I even want to get married again ? Will I ever fully be able to give my heart to someone ? As I pondered all these things I realized something . It's not my lack of confidence that I could give my whole self to someone or that I could be someone's wife again , but my doubt lies in the other person ... Will I ever find someone that can commit fully to me ? Just like the quote says , I just want someone who will never stop choosing me. 

Divorce leaves you feeling a lot of things ... And in my case I can't help but have in the back of my head that "he didn't want me enough " .... He found happiness with someone else and in the end , he didn't choose me . 

In reality I know that's not true , but the insecurity mixed with the vulnerability that comes with starting over can sometimes whisper those things in your ear . 

I remember the day when I finally knew my marriage was over . I knew that I had to stop trying ... The limbo of wondering if he would ever want me again was too much . As much as I wanted it to word the reality was that it wouldn't . I don't think it's fair to say that too much has happened to really repair the relationship but in ways it was true . Trust is a hard thing to build , and we had both felt we had lost that in eachother , not for the same reasons but in the end ... there cannot be a marriage without trust . 

I remember feeling at first that a weight has been lifted , a decision had been made ... I was going to move on with my life ... Find someone who loved me and the boys and start over . 

Well here I am almost 2 years later and still wishing the same thing. 

I will admit that this time has given me the opportunity to heal , to reflect and to grow ... I know I'm a stronger , better and more independent version of myself . I am proud of my journey and so blessed to have so many supporters. I am grateful for the pain because of it ,one  thing is for certain ... I will always choose happy:) 

Out of the Blue

And then... Out of the blue ... Pinterest shows you a quote that explains everything you feel & think. 

Dating in this day and age ( yes it's that much different from 10 years ago ) is all about instant gratification ... Judgement , void filling and rejection . I will admit that I have learned so much more about myslef  through "dating" ... I am more aware of my flaws , I am more guarded and selective with who I share things with . Trust has to be earned , not freely given . Not every guy is a "good" one ... People lie about their height ,weight , marital status and employment record ... They will say what you want to hear but not be sincere ... I know I'm not everyone's type and people will tell you that on the spot . They will kiss you and never call again , they will make promises they can't keep , break up over text , and ask for gifts back . 

What dating has done to me is make me skeptical , insecure , and in some ways bitter... It's made me think that I'll be alone forever and that I must be broken in some way ... But that isn't true. 

I didn't let my divorce make me give up on love and happiness  ... So Im not going to let my dating issues do that either .  

I've learned that PATIENCE is the key . Feeling that twitterpated feeling is such a high ... The fun of hearing compliments and getting attention distracts us from the "red flags" waving in front of our faces . We want to badly to be "accepted " and "validated " that we tend to let things that we would normally not like or agree with slide . We think we are being understanding and a good person because we are accepting that person for who they are and in turn they will do the same for us . But then , just like that . They will reject you based on one of your faults , or decide that you're just not a good match .... Leaving you broken hearted and with a complex that something must be wrong with you! Wine in reality .. That person just did you a favor. 

They didn't deserve you're love or what you had to offer ... Your strengths and attributes that make you a catch to one person are not what another person is looking for . It has nothing to do with your worth , only that they didn't see those things as that. 

I still can't understand how people can cheat or some easily give up before getting to really know someone , but what I do know is that that we cannot let these bad apples spoil the whole bunch . You can't be afraid to try and put yourself out there ... The best defense against getting with the "wrong one " is to be totally in tune with yourself . 

You have to know what you like , what you don't . What are your non negotiables. Why did your other relationships fail? What are your strengths , your weaknesses? Thoughts on commitment , issues with jealousy .. Availability to date , free time ... etc 

You cannot meet someone and start a healthy relationship if you cannot answer these questions .

So I may be one for a while as I am learning more about what makes me , me ... And as I learn what I want in a partner ... But that's ok , because when the time is right I'll be able to give my whole self to someone and they will appreciate that I know myslef and what I want . They might not completely LOVE everything about me ,but they love me completely for the person I am . 

My happiness project is all about self realization and working on being a better happier person ... I think it can only help and not hurt my future relationships... So I'll continue to be patient as I remain single ... But know that I am enough , and someday I'll find the man who compliments my life and adds to it in so many ways ..... 

There's too many toys in the tub

Well I guess it's clear to see that someone (Kole) likes baths just as much as his momma .... My "sanctuary" has been completely taken over by him . I think he takes about 3 baths a day and whenever I try to get in somehow he's naked and ready to jump in. 

Having 3 boys I don't have much to complain about ... They are not stealing clothes , playing in my makeup or whining about a bad hair day ... So I guess I'll count my blessings and share my tub. 

For now . 

Direction

 

Sometimes I find myself looking at others in my similar "single " situation and feel like many are getting their "happy" much much faster than I am . I sit and think about what I'm doing wrong not to deserve that ... But then I saw this quote ... As long as I have a goal and an headed in the right direction , the speed doesn't matter as much .. My time will come , and if I'm consistent and sure about my direction I will be less likely to hit a dead end and have to start over . 

Slow and steady wins the race .. So that's what I'm going to do :) 

I also need to say how lucky I am to have such an amazing loving and supportive family . This weekend was hard not having the boys ... They make it much easier to keep a smile on my face and keep me laughing ... I love that I am 100%myslef around them and know that I can count on them always. My mom is the most giving , selfless and loving person ... I am always on defense with her because I hate to disappoint her .. I just want to make her proud and hope I am . I appreciate all she does for me and the boys . We are lucky to have her . 

My dad is my hero , I look up to him and can't imagine life without him in it . He makes me laugh and always has the best advice ... 

My sister is amazing . She is beautiful , smart and makes me laugh harder than anyone else . We can read each other's minds and finish each others sentences . We are so alike but so different ... I feel so blessed to have her. 

My brothers are both loving, caring sweet and funny but don't tell them I said that . They both hate when I am lovey towards them .. But deep down I know they love me and are always there to help . 

All in all I have what most people would die to have ... A loving ,caring , supportive ,funny family . We truly love each other and hope it always stays that way . 

My kids are my life .. My world ... And my everything . Being without them is so hard .. But the time we are together and the memories we make hopefully makes up for the time we are apart . I hope they are as proud of me as I am of them ... They make me try harder and never give up. I hope to create the life they deserve and strive to teach them to be strong .. Smart and loving men . Being a mother is the best and hardest thing I've ever done , but am grateful for them because they keep me on the right path and help me make better choices . Someday I'll find someone who compliments out life , but until then ... The 4 of us are very happy :) we will just continue heading in the direction of our goals ... Slow and steady ... 

Choose Happiness

When talking to a friend one night I said ... " how do you do it? How do you not get upset at so and so .... I never hear you complain about them . "

They answered,  " I just choose not to let her ruin my day". 

As simple as that answer was it was so profound to me.  We choose to let people upset us , we give people the power to hurt us.  We have the choice to let the things people say affect our mood or we can choose to ignore it and overcome it by choosing happiness and inner peace.  

We cannot control what others do .. and it's frustrating to have to deal with the consequences of other people's poor choices , but we can't let THEIR issues and THEIR problems dictate the way we live.

I am the type of person that enjoys making others feel good about themselves  . I enjoy reaching out and telling people that I care. Whether its through a text or a little quote to let them know I'm thinking of them ... I just feel happy by hopefully causing this person to smile and feel better about themselves. BUT sometimes I get sad when no one does that for me .. or they don't respond or acknowledge what I said... I don't know if I was sad that it didn't make them "happy" , or was it deeper than that. 

When reading "The Happiness Project" I realized that we tend to do to others what WE think would make US happy . We use our love language to show how much we care because that's how WE feel loved ... so when that person doesn't respond or react the way we would if we would have received the gesture we get our feelings hurt.  

But in reality. ... it's not that they don't appreciate it , they just feel love and SHOW emotions differently

So a sappy love text isn't always going to equal a sappy love text in return. .. but we cannot assume that they don't care just because we don't get the response we want.

But what I found most interesting is realizing that although our intentions are good in wanting to make someone else happy. ... sometimes we are doing it to actually gain validation and in turn make ourselves happy.  

I know I am guilty of that.  Sometimes I say I miss you because I actually want to know that I'm being missed as well.... and then get my feelings hurt or feel insecure when the response I was "looking for " was not done . 

I realized that situations like that happened quite often and that was a big contributor to my sadness and insecurity which were keeping me from being HAPPY! So I had to change it... 

As part of my happiness project , I am not only working on not allowing other people's bad mood , bad attitude and hurtful words or actions bring me down . I am also going to work on not GIVING with the intention of RECEIVING.  I am not saying I'm always doing nice things to get nice things in return . But I am not going to let the lack of reciprocation cause me to be unhappy . 

 I'm Going to continue to stay true to myself and share my feelings.. but I'm going to do that without expecting or Needing a response to make me happy . 

Happiness comes from within and only I can really make or break my day.  It's much easier said than done. . But it's worth the effort!  

#whitshappinessproject 

What happens in Vegas ... follows you home and onto your blog

25 things I learned while on vacation in Vegas

* Good , honest people still exist , but less of those people are in Vegas
* Always bring 2 forms of ID and leave them in different spots .. one in a purse , one in your luggage or safe in room .. same with your cash
* Don't pack those cheap shoes .. not only did I have 2 pair of shoes break on me but my feet are still paying the price of walking in flip flops for hours ...ouch
* when selecting somewhere to eat . Pay attention to the kind of people coming out and going into the restaurant ... if they are all of the same ethnicity of the kind of food you're eating ... be prepared to have to order your food in that language ... in my case write your order in Chinese symbols and then have to wait for your food while the entire staff sits down for a family meal ....
* when your friend /Co traveler makes a bet that you can't go a whole week without posting anything on social media be prepared for lots of texts wondering if you are alive , there with a secret boyfriend , or worse have your phone stolen containing all photos from trip so you have no proof that the trip ever happened .... I guess what happened in Vegas really stayed in Vegas
* when dressing for a "pool party " ... do not assume that average swimsuit and flip flops will do... apparently high heels , body jewelry , and full on hair and makeup Is required ... also , bottled water will cost you $12 for a tiny mini bottle and there will be puke in the water fountain
* plus side to pool party is the realization that almost every woman has cellulite. .. and the ones you would think would be insecure are the ones shaking it for all to see ... embrace your body ... we all have faults .... but stay classy ( San Diego) haha
* thigh chaffing is real .. and it hurts ... bad
* be practical .. as hot as you look in those heels .. pack those flats ... walking barefoot is gross
* the art of communication is a lost one .... people under the age of 50 do not know how to carry on Conversations ...
* karaoke song selection is very important.  Sing a fun / audience participation song of you can't sing ... not a slow 2009 Taylor Swift song that you any have sang at your high school talent show. It kills the mood and makes for an awkward 3 minutes
* Be grateful for your own vehicle ... public transportation is annoying and lots of people stink.
* cab drivers are weird ... when a 50  year old white lady turns up a snoop dog song full blast and says "sorry ladies .. I'm from long beach and this is my jam... I went to school with snoop dog . Warren g and all those guys ".... I say ... I wanna see the yearbook and turn it down .. I have a headache and am car sick .
* Don't set your phone down even for 2 seconds ... someone will steal it .. and then throw it in a storm drain ... like I said the honest , good people are hard to find .
*however the cab driver the next day was very sweet helping me try and find it with the "find my iPhone app: ... even turned off the meter to help me look ... he kicked every bush and shook every tree even though the gps app showed it was under the road in the drain.
* It's a small world ... and you will run into someone you know ... always ....
* seeing a happy family playing in the pool is the best way to make you homesick and wish you had a good man in your life
* Dramamine works wonders but it may cause you to fall asleep with your mouth wide open ... embarrassing your friend as the flight attendant goes through offering drinks
* bus drivers are mean in Utah too
*write down where you parked in multiple places ... your phone containing that information may get stolen and thrown in a storm drain .
* peeing your pants from laughing is normal and hilarious
* your costa Vida gift card you got for Christmas may actually not have any money on it at all... so that "free welcome home meal " may not end up being free
* Bad luck may be real ... if it is , I had it on this trip
* Best Friends make bad luck trips not so bad .
* laughing at yourself is the only way to survive
*note to self ... NO MORE VEGAS....