I choose happy .

Laying here tonight with my boys l have so much to be happy about . Motherhood gives you a type of unconditional love that cannot be described . 

My middle child is very concerned about me being alone and always wants to know when I'm going to get married ... He brought that up again tonight ... Which got me thinking about what I really want in a future spouse ... Do I even want to get married again ? Will I ever fully be able to give my heart to someone ? As I pondered all these things I realized something . It's not my lack of confidence that I could give my whole self to someone or that I could be someone's wife again , but my doubt lies in the other person ... Will I ever find someone that can commit fully to me ? Just like the quote says , I just want someone who will never stop choosing me. 

Divorce leaves you feeling a lot of things ... And in my case I can't help but have in the back of my head that "he didn't want me enough " .... He found happiness with someone else and in the end , he didn't choose me . 

In reality I know that's not true , but the insecurity mixed with the vulnerability that comes with starting over can sometimes whisper those things in your ear . 

I remember the day when I finally knew my marriage was over . I knew that I had to stop trying ... The limbo of wondering if he would ever want me again was too much . As much as I wanted it to word the reality was that it wouldn't . I don't think it's fair to say that too much has happened to really repair the relationship but in ways it was true . Trust is a hard thing to build , and we had both felt we had lost that in eachother , not for the same reasons but in the end ... there cannot be a marriage without trust . 

I remember feeling at first that a weight has been lifted , a decision had been made ... I was going to move on with my life ... Find someone who loved me and the boys and start over . 

Well here I am almost 2 years later and still wishing the same thing. 

I will admit that this time has given me the opportunity to heal , to reflect and to grow ... I know I'm a stronger , better and more independent version of myself . I am proud of my journey and so blessed to have so many supporters. I am grateful for the pain because of it ,one  thing is for certain ... I will always choose happy:)